Mahwah, New Jersey- With Ramapo College’s Women’s Center attaining
substantial praise and respect over the last several years, the school recently
unveiled its plans for the opening of the Men’s Center. Perks of the Men’s Center
(located directly across the hall from the Women’s Center) will include the

Watch your head when you walk into the Men’s Center! Along with chain-link sex
swings hanging from the ceiling, the male sanctuary will also feature state of
the art stripper poles. Auditions for Men’s Center soulless sperm dumpsters dancers
will be held on Saturday, so please tell your female friends with abandonment
issues to come out and ride that pole all the way to a college tuition.

· “What’s
that smell?” you’ll ask yourself as you approach the Men’s Center. It’s bacon!
That’s right. The M.C. will have freshly prepared bacon available to students
with penises all day long. Meals will be cooked, served, and cleaned up after
exclusively by women in 1950’s kitchen attire.

· The
Men’s Center will not be selling
Lifestyle condoms for 10 cents each. On the contrary, the man-cave will offer
pamphlets on the health benefits of unprotected sex. The “So You Wanna Raw Dog”
booklet will take an in-depth look at the harsh truths and dangers of using
condoms during sex, such as rashes for people allergic to latex. The Men’s Center prides itself on being
a pro-choice establishment, as long as that choice is straight

· The
Men’s Center is attempting to break the mold when it comes to gender-specific
campus clubs. The M.C. vows to avoid protesting every single event or
organization on campus that uses the word “men” in its title.

1-2-3-4 we want color war! And now we have it. The Men’s Center has challenged
the neighboring Women’s Center to an annual battle of physical and mental
strength. The Ramapo Color War will include such games as Capture the STD, Team
Handjobball, and Dodgecall, a game that awards the contestant who can best avoid
calls and texts from that girl he hooked up with at New Rock. The Men’s Center
is still waiting on the Women’s Center’s challenge acceptance.

So come on out to the inaugural Men’s Center party a week
from tomorrow night. See You Next Tuesday, everybody!

*Props to Evan W. for a great article idea.