Providence, Rhode Island- “New Years Baby 2012,’ Gregory
Alexander Haup has requested reentry into his mother’s uterus. Upon his
emergence at 12:00:07 on the morning of January 1st, Haup took an initial
survey of his new environment and made the startling decision. “Yeah, I saw
what’s going on in America right now and realized I’m better off waiting it
out. Maybe we’ll be in better shape next year,” commented the newborn.
Despite efforts from his doctors and parents, Haup cited
several reasons for refusing birth. “The economy is in the tank, politicians
have lost it, and what was the end game for the Occupy Wall Street protestors?
Step 1: stand around Wall Street. Step 2″¦? Frankly, it’s a bit embarrassing.”
Reports gathered just moments before Haup’s regression indicate his fury with
various elements of pop culture. “The buzz leading up to Lil Wayne’s new album
got me really excited. That shit sucked though- guy’s gotta get back on that sizzurp.”
For the time being, “New Years Baby 2012′ will forgo his
title, but Gregory has left hope for a spring birth. “I’m heading back in,
guys. Grab me with a C-section if HBO decides not to cancel How to Make it in America.“
