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Ramapo 2013 Commencement Speaker Announced: The Janitor Who Worked In Steve Jobs’ Accountant’s Office
Mahwah, NJ- After literally grueling and unbearable anticipation, Ramapo College has finally announced the 2013 Commencement Ceremony Speaker. It’s official: the 2013 Commencement Speaker will be The Janitor Who Worked In Steve Jobs’ Accountant’s Office. President Mercer told us exclusively, “this is literally the only guy that said yes.” He furthered that even the Butler... MORE »
Relive The Worst Parts of Campus Life One Last Time
MAHWAH, NJ – In an effort to make your winter break even better Student Affairs is holding a “Forget This Stuff” workshop in Friends Hall this Friday at 7pm. The event brings together all the frustrating things about Ramapo College life and lets you do them one last time just to remind yourself how much... MORE »
December Just Wants to be Hot Like Victoria’s Secret Angels
The day after the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show is one of the most hated days of the year for guys and girls alike. Guys must force out lie after lie about how they’d still date their girlfriends over an underwear model and girls everywhere suddenly pretend to care about going to the gym. Though... MORE »
Snow Removal Delay Due To Official’s ‘New Perspective’
MAHWAH, NJ – Students and faculty were confused by the slow pace of Ramapo’s usually speedy snow crew. After the snow had started to come down heavily a little before noon this past Tuesday, commuters and dorming students alike wondered why it was taking so long to clear the areas. “Last semester the hill by... MORE »
Jersey Devil To Have Thanksgiving With The Abramowitz Family
MAHWAH, NJ – History was made today as The Jersey Devil officially came out of eternal hiding in the deep woods of New Jersey. After taking a heavy beating from Sandy and Irene the past two years, the Jersey Devil is reportedly “fed up” with living in the woods. He exited the forest near a... MORE »
Flu Season at Ramapo College
MAHWAH, NJ – Ramapo has a small campus which is good and bad. A smaller campus means shorter walks and more chances of running into friends. But a smaller space during this time of year also means more chances to get sick. Most students prefer to vomit from tequila rather than influenza. Ariel Crewes, assistant... MORE »
President Mercer Pissed Gangnam Style ‘Ripped Him Off’
MAHWAH, NJ – Ramapo College’s President Mercer is reportedly “pissed” at Korean pop sensation, Psy, claiming that his hit song, “Gangnam Style”, was stolen from Mercer himself. The President came directly to Ramapo Basement to set the record straight and spread the word that “Gangnam Style” was his idea first: it was originally called “Mercer Style”... MORE »
A New Hope: Finding Open Classes After Registration
Registration hell week has finally ended, but chances are you have been left in tears. As expected, the Spring 2013 semester wasn’t offering more than three of the classes you need for your major, and two of them already exceeded their max capacity. You were thinking of knocking out your science gen ed with one... MORE »
Spring 2013 Registration Begins at Ramapo College
Registration for the Spring 2013 semester began this Tuesday. With finals approaching and popular sections filling up quickly, what does Ramapo think? “As a Women’s Studies major I approach my schedule with the mindset that… blahblahblah.” Kerri-Ann Taylor Senior, Women’s Studies major “While you’re logged... MORE »
Votes Considered Invalid Unless Instagrammed
Happy post Election Day everyone! For reasons other than Obama’s reelection and the legalization of gay marriage and marijuana in certain states, yesterdays’s events will change America forever. After an astonishingly large amount of participation, congress has decided to pass new legislation stating that the 2016 presidential election votes will be counted based on the... MORE »
Ramapo Students Paralyzed With Fear at Prospect of Actual Party
Mahwah, NJ- The Ramapo infirmary is overflowing with students today, as news broke that a real party may be on the horizon. The prospect of breaking out of the comfort zone of 12-person gatherings in the Village and venturing south to Trenton on October 25th for a Barstool Blackout FOAM party has scared dozens of... MORE »
Last Will and Testament; Ramapo College, I Leave to You:
– The right to have a working hand dryer and a stocked soap dispenser coexist in harmony in the upstairs men’s bathroom by the gym. You’ve done a great job at having one at a time, but in this progressive era, you finally bring these two necessities together at the same time. ... MORE »
Breaking News: Student Actually Takes Survey on Facebook That Girl Needed For Class
Mahwah, NJ- In a bizarre turn of events Monday afternoon, Ramapo senior Mark Spalowitznitskyface sat down and took a survey that he saw on Facebook. Sources indicate that the survey was for Rachel Adams, a junior at Ramapo college, and her Marketing Research class’s final paper. Commenting on the situation, Spalowitznitskyface stated that “she promised it... MORE »
The Graduating Senior’s Mass Text to Potential Sexual Partners
22. That’s the number that is making many of us graduating seniors cringe today. 22 days until graduation. 22 days until we enter the real world. 22 days until you’re stuck with whatever your college sex tally is for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. For the past 4 years, we’ve been able to fall back... MORE »
Ladies and Gentleman: Jillian Gutowitz
It is with great pleasure that I present to you the newest head writer of Ramapo Basement (starting in the Fall of 2012; it’s still my show for now, bitches). After countless hours of analyzing nearly 2 application submissions, I finally narrowed it down to Jillian Gutowitz. I know what you’re all wondering. Will I... MORE »
Ramapo College Caught Excluding the Fact that it’s Ramapo College
Mahwah, NJ- Ramapo is in hot water once again due to the college’s most recent omission of details. After getting in trouble for excluding SAT scores last week, it has been learned that the institution has also been avoiding telling prospective students that this is, in fact, Ramapo College. The scandal was allegedly conducted in... MORE »
Ramapo Basement’s New Head Writer Requirements
With the semester winding down and zero Ramapo Basement writers returning in the fall, the site is in need of a new head writer. If interested, please email your information to Strasser.jake@gmail.com. Requirements for the new head writer of Ramapo Basement include, but are not limited to all of the following: Equal Opportunity Bigotry: We... MORE »
Moneybang: The Tale of One Brave Man’s Quest to Forever Change the Game (of Hooking Up)
I started following Billy Rice around in the fall of 2010 because I believed in him. I believed in what he was doing; I felt he was changing the game. A game that had the same rigid set of rules in regard to scouting talent for as long as I can remember. The game was... MORE »
Dear Ramapo Students Who Write “Dear ____________” Facebook Statuses:
Stop. Please stop? Pretty please with an attention craving Ramapo sophomore girl on top? We get it… your air conditioner isn’t turning on properly. I promise you, however, that this is not some elaborate ploy by the maintenance men at Ramapo to piss “only you” off. And to all those “only me’s” out there that... MORE »
The 12-Step Program for Ramapo Students Recovering from a Night at New Rock
Alcoholism hurts. Wasting your college allotment of acceptable alcoholic behavior on a Thursday night at New Rock hurts even more. Let’s try to get you back on the wagon making your way toward recovery, or at least toward a classier, less rapey location. Mason Jar perhaps. I hear they have live music on weekends. Step... MORE »
The Goodbye Guidebook: How to Sever Ties With Those People Before Graduation
Saying goodbye sucks. Unless you’re saying goodbye to Ramapo, which will be a joyous occasion celebrated on May 16th in the car-theft capital of America. But as far as saying goodbye to people, it can get a little dicey. For true friends, it won’t be too complicated, as you guys have already booked a house in... MORE »
Ramapo to Introduce Men’s Center
Mahwah, New Jersey- With Ramapo College’s Women’s Center attaining substantial praise and respect over the last several years, the school recently unveiled its plans for the opening of the Men’s Center. Perks of the Men’s Center (located directly across the hall from the Women’s Center) will include the following: · Watch your head when you... MORE »
8 Minutes to Freedom: Inner Monologue of Student Whose Professor is Late
8 Minutes to Go: Okay, let’s just relax. We’ve been in this situation before. Don’t wanna get your hopes up, only to be crushed by his entrance. He’s gonna come. There’s no shot he’s not coming. I wonder what we’re learning today. Yup, definitely gonna come. 7 Minutes to Go: Holy shit, he’s not coming.... MORE »
Jerry Sandusky Also Requests…
After reports surfaced that Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State assistant coach turned sexual deviant has requested more leniency in the terms of his house arrest, Ramapo Basement has discovered several other pleas made by the 67-year-old ped-ass. According to Sandusky’s lawyer, these proposals are intended to make his client more comfortable in the courtroom.... MORE »
Generational Differences in Post Breakup Concerns
90’s Problems: Damn. Who am I gonna watch SNICK with this week? And that’s it”¦ Severing ties in the pre-Facebook/Twitter/texting era was easier than the girl you got caught cheating with to cause the breakup. But now, thanks to that recluse Mark Zuckerberg, along with others who have followed in his footsteps of constant communication... MORE »
Self-Reflection Quiz: Are You Suffering from Being Back at Ramapo?
*Please keep track of your point total. TI-87 Graphing Calculators are required and can be purchased at the Ramapo bookstore for $650.00. 1. Has the sight of phallic statues outside of ASB once again made you question exactly what boundaries Ramapo administrators want us to push? A. It’s so veiny! (1 point) B. Nope, haven’t... MORE »
2 Friends Run Out of Conversation When 3rd Friend Goes to Bathroom
Mahwah, NJ- Awkward silence struck the Village apartments with fury last Thursday when Tom Bishop, friend of Nathan Jones and Brad Owens, excused himself from the living room to use the bathroom. According to Owens, “Dialogue was flowing smoothly. Tom was about to tell us about his night in Hoboken when, all of a sudden,... MORE »
Ramapo’s Newest Meal Plan: The Pay Caf Pocket It
In accordance with trending student behavior, Ramapo College’s Office of Dining Services plans to unveil the Pay Caf Pocket It as the institution’s newest meal plan option for the Spring 2012 semester. For the one-time low fee of zero dollars, students who purchase the Pay Caf Pocket It will have the ability to “steal as... MORE »
“New Years Baby 2012” Tells Doctors, Mom, “No Thanks,” Returns to Womb
Providence, Rhode Island- “New Years Baby 2012,’ Gregory Alexander Haup has requested reentry into his mother’s uterus. Upon his emergence at 12:00:07 on the morning of January 1st, Haup took an initial survey of his new environment and made the startling decision. “Yeah, I saw what’s going on in America right now and realized I’m... MORE »