Mahwah, NJ- After literally grueling and unbearable anticipation, Ramapo College has finally announced the 2013 Commencement Ceremony Speaker. It’s official: the 2013 Commencement Speaker will be The Janitor Who Worked In Steve Jobs’ Accountant’s Office.

President Mercer told us exclusively, “this is literally the only guy that said yes.” He furthered that even the Butler to Gayle King’s Secret Minneapolis Brothel declined.

A fat woman from Financial Aid leaked the list of other Speakers who said no, which included The Guy Who Created Tumblr’s Mistress, The Secretary to the Office of The Personal Trainer to Barack Obama’s White Mother, Mark Zuckerberg’s Personal Toilet Cleaner For His Bomb Shelter Under His Apartment, and a Piece Of Paper Claiming To Be Tina Fey’s Last Will & Testament to Fans of 30 Rock. No word on if The Piece of Paper was legit or not, or more importantly, if it could speak.

Best of luck Class of 2013!