5) Stuff your own dead pet

Build A Bear and PETA are cosponsoring this event so you never miss your dead pets ever again. Whenever you’re scared at night and wish your pet would come and lay with you, you can grab your stuffed pet. They used to be alive and friendly but now they are lifeless and cuddly. Don’t worry you can be rough, it won’t hurt them.

4) Experience diarrhea from Moe’s

Liquid asshole explosion is taking over the Ramapo campus. Members from dormitories around campus are racing to the Thomas’s Commons to achieve the ultimate in food satisfaction and diarrhea. The tacos and burritos are spicy enough to make it burn on the way out. Come quickly, because there is only enough food for 10 sorry students.

3) Put the condom on the banana

In order to correctly place the condom on the banana you must stand fully elect. To make sure this is possible do not drink whiskey in excess prior to the event. Also, be sure to refrain from masturbating within 6 hours of attending. Be sure to bring condoms without lube so that eating the banana afterwards isn’t gross.

2) Watch Monday night football with a bunch of people who don’t care about football

What’s better than rooting for your favorite team, than rooting for your favorite team with a bunch of people who don’t give a fuck. As much as they might pretend to have the slightest idea what they’re talking about, they honestly haven’t the slightest clue. If you want to make yourself feel better about your knowledge of football, this is the event for you.

1) Make a valentine for the guy who is going to cheat on you next week

Red construction paper. Glitter. Marker. Ribbons. What else do you need to make your man happy? He told you he loves you and then you had sex with him. There is no way that was all he wanted. He even bought you a single rose from Valero. If you attend this event there is a slight chance that your boyfriend will avoid cheating on you with one of your slutty sorority sisters, and fuck someone that doesn’t go here. Buy him chocolate and you are guaranteed to be kept on as his weekend booty call. Enjoy.