After reports
surfaced that Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State assistant coach turned
sexual deviant has requested more leniency in the terms of his house arrest,
Ramapo Basement has discovered several other pleas made by the 67-year-old
ped-ass. According to Sandusky’s lawyer, these proposals are intended to make
his client more comfortable in the courtroom.
·
All
courtroom sketches are to be done in finger-paint.
·
Lunch
breaks will consist of Kraft Mac n’ Cheese, Capri Sun, and a short naptime
before trial resumes.
·
In
honor of 10-year-old speech patterns, the letter “r” will be pronounced as a
“w” in certain words and phrases, such as, “tell your fwiends that wedhead Mike McQueary saw evwything.”
·
Stenographers
will only use typing devices provided by Fisher-Price
·
When
tallying the numerous sexual abuse charges, the judge must count on his fingers
and announce that there were “this many” accusations.
·
If
one of the assistant lawyers on Sandusky’s legal team conducts himself in an
unethical manner, the head lawyer must keep this information covered up for 10
years. And then die. (Relax. it’s been a month. Paterno’s fair game).
