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Jesus Misses Easter, Too Hungover
After 3 straight days of partying, Jesus Christ, 33, awoke yesterday on April 8 to realize something awful – he had missed Easter. “I literally remember nothing about the past 3 days,” Jesus said to our crack-investigative team. “And then I woke up yesterday with the worst Dad-damn headache I’ve ever had... MORE »
Non-drinkers can finally meet everyone’s ‘judgmental’ expectations by adapting statements from typical college party-goers
After several years’ worth of attending college parties as a non-drinker, I am noticing a concerning trend: we alcohol-free anomalies just are not meeting everyone’s expectations. When we show up to parties, ready to enjoy ourselves without bothering anyone or making a scene, we are a disappointment. Why? Because we are not judging people enough.... MORE »
North Campus Cougar Sighting
I can’t believe the University emailed this. Whether it’s the modern day Mrs. Robinson or Marion Wormer it matters not, if you’re a dude pulling an all nighter at the dude, be careful. MORE »
21-year-old can finally drink in bars, can’t afford to drink in bars
“I’m not ordering cocktails made of gold!” yelled one SC senior as he was escorted out of a busy downtown bar last night. “Do they come off-brand?? Do you do payment plans?!” He is just one of many students whose long-awaited 21st birthdays quickly tanked due to bar-drink sticker shock. “Fifteen bucks is either a bottle... MORE »
Week in Review: To be or not to be? That is the News
Your second-best source for this week’s Daily Trojan headlines. USC ranks 6th in bar preparation Bar as in “places that serve alcohol,” and frankly guys, ya blew it. USC has a 25% admittance rate for transfer students In a totally unrelated study, about 25% of USC transfer applicants are really good looking. I don’t know why... MORE »
BREAKING: Guy who doesn’t chip in thought beer was free
“It’s like when I found out Santa wasn’t real, all over again,” says Ross*, a junior who hasn’t put a dime toward beer the three years he’s been drinking it. “When I think back to all the shotgunning, all the beer pong… Even the victories feel like shame.” The frequent party host who broke the... MORE »
Columbians Withhold Sex Over Obama Controversy, Barnard Women Rejoice
On Saturday, March 3rd, Lindsay Lohan debuted her new inflatable face on Saturday Night Live, scaring children, parole officers, and Aaron Samuelsez across this great nation. In equally exciting news, March 3rd brought with it the announcement that President Barack Obama will be speaking at Barnard College, the most prestigious of all female colleges barring Rupaul’s... MORE »
Hofstra Got Shakespeare’d
The month of March at Hofstra means one thing and one thing only for drama majors: Shakespeare! Lots and lots of Shakespeare. So much Shakespeare has happened, it’s an epidemic. So much Shakespeare, the students are annoyingly speaking in Middle English. So much Shakespeare that a freshman is fearing the Ides of March and regretting... MORE »
Three reasons drinking alone is better than going to a bar on Marshall St
I’d like to state that I am not an alcoholic. But I do like a good drink. What I don’t like is going down to DJs/Chucks/Lucys/Flip Night and waiting for seemingly decades to get to the bar only to find out their drink selection is based on lackluster liquor and even shittier beer. Why bother?... MORE »