90’s Problems:

Damn. Who am I gonna
watch SNICK with this week?

And that’s it”¦

Severing ties in the pre-Facebook/Twitter/texting era was
easier than the girl you got caught cheating with to cause the breakup. But
now, thanks to that recluse Mark Zuckerberg, along with others who have
followed in his footsteps of constant communication innovation, we are doomed
to deal with the lingering effects of a breakup months after the split.

Modern Problems:

Words With Friends

So uhhh I know we just
broke up, but like this game is really close… No, no you’re right, we should
end the game. It’s too weird to keep playing. It’s just that you’re only up by
6, and I’ve been waiting to drop that Z on the triple word, and I’m on a
personal 9-game winning streak”¦ Okay fine, I’ll resign.

I Never Want to See
Your Face(book) Again

Do we de-friend each
other? I guess it depends on the severity of the breakup. I’m just gonna follow
this convenient little homemade guide I made for such an occasion:

Mutual breakup, no
hatred- No adjustment in Facebook activity is necessary. Perhaps a bit less
“liking” of your profile picture changes though.

Messy situation- Let’s
be mature about this and handle it like adults. Breakups are always hard on the
people who knew us as a couple; we need to divvy up our mutual friends. I’ll
take anybody with cool profile pictures from a party or a club. You can have
all the weird emo ones shot in sepia.

You caught me with
your best friend- Well, my laptop is smashed to pieces on my floor, so I don’t
think I really need to worry about this one.

The Dreaded Pocket

I swear I didn’t mean
to call you. I forgot to take you out of my favorites and these damn touch
screens are so sensitive. This was not a passive aggressive attempt at
reopening a line of communication with you. It was having my phone in my back
pocket and sitting down on a couch at just the right (wrong) angle.

New Rock, Old Issue
(Ramapo Specific)

This one is timeless.
The local campus “hotspot” in the middle of Suffern. Sure, generations past
have also dealt with the chance encounter of an ex at a popular bar, but
tonight is dollar beer night and I really wanna see things get weird. Why don’t
you just go to Shannon Rose instead? I hear their beers are only $18.

So please remember that unless you are willing to self
induce a social coma for the first 6 months post breakup, what was once a quick
rip of the band-aid has become a process of chiseling away a full body cast of
painfully awkward reminders.