Photo by 401K on Flickr
I started following Billy Rice around in the fall of 2010 because I believed in him. I believed in what he was doing; I felt he was changing the game. A game that had the same rigid set of rules in regard to scouting talent for as long as I can remember. The game was played a certain way, and anybody who operated outside the established parameters was perceived as a complete and utter outcast. Billy Rice embraced the criticism, for as long as his method was deemed “insane,” he had a leg up on the rest of the competition.
“It was April of 2009,” recalls Billy. “A good friend of mine had just broken up with his high school sweetheart, Laura McCleary.” McCleary was your typical case of Ugly Duckling Syndrome- a common occurrence in freshmen who get hot sometime between high school and college. Billy continues, “My buddy Nick was with her all throughout high school. It was your classic love story. Crazy about each other to the point where they followed one another to Ramapo.” From information I have gathered, it appears Nick really took a liking to McCleary; even helped her develop into a serious prospect. With Nick’s aid, McCleary acquired the tools and the confidence to advance her stock to a level of superstardom. All that was left to do was wait for the pieces to fall into place.
“As I said before, it was March- a time when guys can really evaluate the talent presented before them. These girls lay out in the quad in bikinis and underwear,” remarks Billy. Laura McCleary had developed into the prospect Nick had hoped and planned for. Great backside, busty chest, and a picturesque face, all complementing her naturally bronzed skin tone. Unfortunately, with how the game is played, lower level guys can’t hang on to these once-in-a-generation jewels forever.
“There are rich guys,” explained Billy, with his hand held flat, adjacent to his forehead, indicating a high level of resources. “There are funny guys.” His hand now descended just below his chin to depict a slight drop-off in eligibility. “Then there’s fifty feet of smart guys and those douches in Ramapo clubs.” His thumb is now brushing against his ankle. “And then there’s us.” Referring to guys like himself and Nick, his hand is now scraping the floor.
Nick couldn’t keep a girl like Laura McCleary. There comes a point when the little guys can’t compete with the enormous offers these girls are receiving from other suitors: party invites, popularity among the upperclassmen, Flex Dollars, the works. The McCleary’s of the world need to capitalize on their assets and get as much as they can while they’re still in their prime.
“That’s when I realized we were playing the game all wrong. One of us small fries loses a big fish like McCleary and what do we do? What does history dictate we do?” Billy answered his own question before I could retort. “We try to replace one McCleary with another McCleary.”
Billy’s game-changing theory is as follows: Some guys just can’t compete at this level by trying to fill the void of superstars with similar talents. These hard 9’s, soft 10’s that come through the system are rare, and more often than not, impossible to hang to for an entire career. Simply put, they’re irreplaceable.
“It’s time we act more efficiently,” explains Billy. “Instead of finding one girl to fill the void left by McCleary’s assets, we can get my buddy Nick the same satisfaction from multiple girls at a fraction of the effort.” So Billy set forth on his quest to change the game. He compiled a list of girls on campus, each one boasting only one attribute desirable to his friend Nick. “You got Hayley Mendleson, the accounting major. Great ass, flat as a board with a face you could punt. Venture over to the nursing building and we meet Sherry Keys- keep your eyesight above the neck and you’ll fall in love. Finally, there’s that sandwich girl with a great rack- yeah, she pretty much puts us over the top.”
“Billy’s lost it!” Mike Packard fully discloses his feelings on the theory. Packard recently lost his college love, Cynthia, whom he had met in an FYS class freshman year and wife’d up before the frats and sororities began open-party season. Like many traditionalists before him, Packard took the conventional route when he lost his superstar. After months of expended effort, Mike ended up with a sober 5, drunk 7.
“You see, everyone’s about hitting homeruns.” A wry smile creeps across Billy’s face as he details the reason his method is superior and underappreciated. “This game is all about getting on base. Play with some titties behind the sandwich counter. Grab a CPA’s ass before her test. Get a blowie from a nurse after her shift. All of a sudden, you’re staring at a nice little rally. Meanwhile, the Mike Packards of the world are having consistent sex… with that.” Billy has brought up the Facebook page of Packard’s girlfriend. “Don’t let the kissy face, peace sign, and downward diagonal angle fool you. This girl sucks.”
It’s March 26th and I’ve learned a lot from Billy Rice. Through his tutelage, I can tell that right now is primetime scouting for Billy’s underachievers. “As long as guys are focusing solely on the 8’s and above laying in the quad the next couple weeks, it’s free range for me to scope the lesser, one asset friends wearing the one-piece bikinis and sweatshirts because ‘it’s still a bit chilly.’” Billy chuckles as he air-quotes the target acquisitions.
So is Billy Rice crazy? Has he completely lost his mind? Billy deals with skepticism on a daily basis. Some have even gone as far as saying that Billy is an advocate of cheating. “In this game, you take any edge you can get. I don’t think it’s cheating. You’re bending the rules, and in the process, providing some much needed love to the campus uggos. If that means I’m condoning cheating, then this game has become something I no longer desire to be part of.” Billy Rice: philosopher, innovator, hero.
