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This guy…
Are Pumpkins More Delicious Or Deadly?
Mahwah, NJ – It has been 23 days since the beginning of Autumn. This means that every beverage, piece of clothing, and homework assignment on Ramapo’s Mahwah campus has the right to be pumpkin-related. However, the investigative team here at Ramapo Basement has uncovered the scary (like Halloween H20 scary) truth behind this yearly pumpkin... MORE »
8 Minutes to Freedom: Inner Monologue of Student Whose Professor is Late
8 Minutes to Go: Okay, let’s just relax. We’ve been in this situation before. Don’t wanna get your hopes up, only to be crushed by his entrance. He’s gonna come. There’s no shot he’s not coming. I wonder what we’re learning today. Yup, definitely gonna come. 7 Minutes to Go: Holy shit, he’s not coming.... MORE »
Ramapo Basement Writer makes it out the Hood
Jake Strasser’s journey from mediocrity to stardom is a story of great triumph. It all began when Strasser, as he is now referred to, was using the site Stumble Upon to kill time in what was a regular uneventful day at Ramapo College. After hours of mindless web surfing, Jake landed on Campus Basement’s homepage... MORE »
Breaking News: Student Actually Takes Survey on Facebook That Girl Needed For Class
Mahwah, NJ- In a bizarre turn of events Monday afternoon, Ramapo senior Mark Spalowitznitskyface sat down and took a survey that he saw on Facebook. Sources indicate that the survey was for Rachel Adams, a junior at Ramapo college, and her Marketing Research class’s final paper. Commenting on the situation, Spalowitznitskyface stated that “she promised it... MORE »
The Official Ramapo College Drinking Game
“WELCOME BACK PEONS!!” – President Mercer, September 4th, 2012 MAHWAH, NJ – BREAKING: In order to raise morale around campus, President Mercer just emailed the Ramapo Basement staff the Official Drinking Game of Ramapo College. I know, I know, it’s the oxymoron of the century. Obviously this game cannot be played on Ramapo’s campus, as... MORE »
Ramapo College Redefines The Hunger Games
Mahwah, NJ – By now, you are all fully acquainted with The Hunger Games due to the media forcing it down our throats like mothers with broccoli. We know, you “read the books and they’re sooo much better than the movie” – totally didn’t hear that about Twilight or Harry Potter, you hipster betch. For... MORE »
Special Senior Dinner Ends In Shit Storm
Most folks with a higher education can look back at their final week of college and recall seven days of drunken havoc, poor decisions, questionable morals, and loose women. A Ramapo graduate, however, can look back fondly upon snack time in the alcohol-free tent, finger painting, a police presence, and being quarantined in the Village.... MORE »
The Ramapo College Student Handbook
1) If you attempt to download illegally, some guy named Cisco will come to your apartment and cut off all of your fingers. 2) No parking allowed on campus. Parking is available at the Ramapo Reservation. Failing to abide will lead to tire boots. 3) If you are blind, you are still not allowed to... MORE »
Using Mob Mentality To End Class Early
Walking into your 11:30 A.M class Friday afternoon, a sense of despair slowly creeps over you. After splitting that handle of Captain Morgan spiced rum with your room mates last night, and discovering fresh bruises all of your body, which you have no idea how they even got there, you begin to wonder why you’re... MORE »
Ramapo Pioneers New Safety Drill as Preparation for Nuclear Warfare
Boom! Crash! Thud! Or even the entire room shaking in a thunderous roar. These are the sounds that a non-ASB Ramapo student has become used to in the past month, as the academic area of campus has been littered with machinery, materials, construction workers, and circus flags. Allegedly, the school is in the process of... MORE »
Ramapo Students Paralyzed With Fear at Prospect of Actual Party
Mahwah, NJ- The Ramapo infirmary is overflowing with students today, as news broke that a real party may be on the horizon. The prospect of breaking out of the comfort zone of 12-person gatherings in the Village and venturing south to Trenton on October 25th for a Barstool Blackout FOAM party has scared dozens of... MORE »
Last Will and Testament; Ramapo College, I Leave to You:
– The right to have a working hand dryer and a stocked soap dispenser coexist in harmony in the upstairs men’s bathroom by the gym. You’ve done a great job at having one at a time, but in this progressive era, you finally bring these two necessities together at the same time. ... MORE »
Breaking News: Student Actually Takes Survey on Facebook That Girl Needed For Class
Mahwah, NJ- In a bizarre turn of events Monday afternoon, Ramapo senior Mark Spalowitznitskyface sat down and took a survey that he saw on Facebook. Sources indicate that the survey was for Rachel Adams, a junior at Ramapo college, and her Marketing Research class’s final paper. Commenting on the situation, Spalowitznitskyface stated that “she promised it... MORE »
The Graduating Senior’s Mass Text to Potential Sexual Partners
22. That’s the number that is making many of us graduating seniors cringe today. 22 days until graduation. 22 days until we enter the real world. 22 days until you’re stuck with whatever your college sex tally is for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. For the past 4 years, we’ve been able to fall back... MORE »
Ladies and Gentleman: Jillian Gutowitz
It is with great pleasure that I present to you the newest head writer of Ramapo Basement (starting in the Fall of 2012; it’s still my show for now, bitches). After countless hours of analyzing nearly 2 application submissions, I finally narrowed it down to Jillian Gutowitz. I know what you’re all wondering. Will I... MORE »
Ramapo College Caught Excluding the Fact that it’s Ramapo College
Mahwah, NJ- Ramapo is in hot water once again due to the college’s most recent omission of details. After getting in trouble for excluding SAT scores last week, it has been learned that the institution has also been avoiding telling prospective students that this is, in fact, Ramapo College. The scandal was allegedly conducted in... MORE »
Ramapo Basement’s New Head Writer Requirements
With the semester winding down and zero Ramapo Basement writers returning in the fall, the site is in need of a new head writer. If interested, please email your information to Strasser.jake@gmail.com. Requirements for the new head writer of Ramapo Basement include, but are not limited to all of the following: Equal Opportunity Bigotry: We... MORE »
Moneybang: The Tale of One Brave Man’s Quest to Forever Change the Game (of Hooking Up)
I started following Billy Rice around in the fall of 2010 because I believed in him. I believed in what he was doing; I felt he was changing the game. A game that had the same rigid set of rules in regard to scouting talent for as long as I can remember. The game was... MORE »
Dear Ramapo Students Who Write “Dear ____________” Facebook Statuses:
Stop. Please stop? Pretty please with an attention craving Ramapo sophomore girl on top? We get it… your air conditioner isn’t turning on properly. I promise you, however, that this is not some elaborate ploy by the maintenance men at Ramapo to piss “only you” off. And to all those “only me’s” out there that... MORE »
The 12-Step Program for Ramapo Students Recovering from a Night at New Rock
Alcoholism hurts. Wasting your college allotment of acceptable alcoholic behavior on a Thursday night at New Rock hurts even more. Let’s try to get you back on the wagon making your way toward recovery, or at least toward a classier, less rapey location. Mason Jar perhaps. I hear they have live music on weekends. Step... MORE »
The Goodbye Guidebook: How to Sever Ties With Those People Before Graduation
Saying goodbye sucks. Unless you’re saying goodbye to Ramapo, which will be a joyous occasion celebrated on May 16th in the car-theft capital of America. But as far as saying goodbye to people, it can get a little dicey. For true friends, it won’t be too complicated, as you guys have already booked a house in... MORE »
Ramapo to Introduce Men’s Center
Mahwah, New Jersey- With Ramapo College’s Women’s Center attaining substantial praise and respect over the last several years, the school recently unveiled its plans for the opening of the Men’s Center. Perks of the Men’s Center (located directly across the hall from the Women’s Center) will include the following: · Watch your head when you... MORE »
Rash Thursday
I guess I know what I’m giving up for Lent… dating. MORE »
8 Minutes to Freedom: Inner Monologue of Student Whose Professor is Late
8 Minutes to Go: Okay, let’s just relax. We’ve been in this situation before. Don’t wanna get your hopes up, only to be crushed by his entrance. He’s gonna come. There’s no shot he’s not coming. I wonder what we’re learning today. Yup, definitely gonna come. 7 Minutes to Go: Holy shit, he’s not coming.... MORE »
Jerry Sandusky Also Requests…
After reports surfaced that Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State assistant coach turned sexual deviant has requested more leniency in the terms of his house arrest, Ramapo Basement has discovered several other pleas made by the 67-year-old ped-ass. According to Sandusky’s lawyer, these proposals are intended to make his client more comfortable in the courtroom.... MORE »
Generational Differences in Post Breakup Concerns
90’s Problems: Damn. Who am I gonna watch SNICK with this week? And that’s it”¦ Severing ties in the pre-Facebook/Twitter/texting era was easier than the girl you got caught cheating with to cause the breakup. But now, thanks to that recluse Mark Zuckerberg, along with others who have followed in his footsteps of constant communication... MORE »
Self-Reflection Quiz: Are You Suffering from Being Back at Ramapo?
*Please keep track of your point total. TI-87 Graphing Calculators are required and can be purchased at the Ramapo bookstore for $650.00. 1. Has the sight of phallic statues outside of ASB once again made you question exactly what boundaries Ramapo administrators want us to push? A. It’s so veiny! (1 point) B. Nope, haven’t... MORE »
2 Friends Run Out of Conversation When 3rd Friend Goes to Bathroom
Mahwah, NJ- Awkward silence struck the Village apartments with fury last Thursday when Tom Bishop, friend of Nathan Jones and Brad Owens, excused himself from the living room to use the bathroom. According to Owens, “Dialogue was flowing smoothly. Tom was about to tell us about his night in Hoboken when, all of a sudden,... MORE »
Ramapo’s Newest Meal Plan: The Pay Caf Pocket It
In accordance with trending student behavior, Ramapo College’s Office of Dining Services plans to unveil the Pay Caf Pocket It as the institution’s newest meal plan option for the Spring 2012 semester. For the one-time low fee of zero dollars, students who purchase the Pay Caf Pocket It will have the ability to “steal as... MORE »
“New Years Baby 2012” Tells Doctors, Mom, “No Thanks,” Returns to Womb
Providence, Rhode Island- “New Years Baby 2012,’ Gregory Alexander Haup has requested reentry into his mother’s uterus. Upon his emergence at 12:00:07 on the morning of January 1st, Haup took an initial survey of his new environment and made the startling decision. “Yeah, I saw what’s going on in America right now and realized I’m... MORE »