Much to the surprise of most SU students, traffic laws are
actually obeyed in other geographic
locations, meaning green lights mean go and red lights mean stop.

Green lights do not, shockingly enough, signal to
pedestrians to walk slowly across the street blatantly ignoring the cars trying
to drive, while obnoxiously talking on their cell phones.

However, due to the university’s percentage of the
demographic of students which this characterizes, the school has decided to
create a branch entitled Pedestrian Services to educate clearly misinformed
pedestrians of how to walk to across the street.

“Yeah, green light means go right?…That means that’s when
the CAR goes????” A disbelieving Sam Enzeweigh, junior finance major says.

Catherine Burkenstein has been appointed the director of
Pedestrian Services. “We weren’t sure if we should create Pedestrian Services
to coach students on how to cross the street or Driver Services to prevent the
road rage incited from students walking out in front of them. In the end, we
figured this was more beneficial as we feared Driver Services could have lead
to groups conspiring to run delinquent pedestrians over ““ which they may or may
not be doing already”¦”

Burkenstein’s first order of business is to issue a handbook
to students instructing them on how to walk across the street. “Surprisingly
enough,” she says, “it seems like a lost art.”

Handbook’s Steps on How 
to Cross the Street

  1. Look both ways for cars
  2. If cars are immediately coming, do
    not cross
  3. If cars are not immediately
    coming, you may cross
  4. Avoid procreating; the world doesn’t
    need your gene pool