It has come to our attention that the most recently graduating class of 2012 did not pay enough for college. While most SU students spent approximately $200,000 on their education, we now deem this is not enough. (Which honestly surprised us – we originally anticipated that charging students roughly $20 per meal at Ernie and asking for $3000 a semester for the shit that is the Mount and requesting the rarely questioned “communications fee” of however much we wanted to charge for the given moment, that SURELY we’d get enough money.) Alas, we need more.
This is why, starting this summer, your college loan interest rates will double. Yes, double. Now I know this comes as a surprise to some of you, but really college isn’t that overpriced. In fact, we think we’re being pretty reasonable. Just asking another 3% for your interest? Pft – that is nothing. It’s not like we charge you that much for everything – like look at you Newhouse students – you have free printing! Wait, what? Oh …okay well you HAD free printing. Okay how about parking? We offer that for so little and never ask for additional charges in parking tickets. No? Ah, we see…no big, right? Admittedly, your tuition is a bit high, but you’re paying for the high quality of your education and educators who always teach at the finest level and bestow great knowledge (and did we mention how incredibly fair and brilliant they are?).
We hope you understand our move to increase your costs as simply a way to increase the value and quality of your school – as we are also sure that is what loan interest rates affect.
The evil money-stealing powers that be