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1. Cover the room in sand and bring in a new roommate. Tell them they’ve been voted off the island.
2. Set up a live studio audience on your side of the room to watch and react to your roommate’s activities.
3. Section one part of the room off with a curtain and place a video camera in the area. Bring in volunteers to record “confessionals” regarding your roommate for the reality TV show idea you want to pitch to them the second they return.
4. Cover the room with nothing but Mitt Romney paraphernalia with lots of encouraging political statements that parody Obamaisms. Cover the room with post-its saying,Yes We Shall! or Indeed We Will Win! Place little elephant figurines everywhere. Make it a Republican’s wet dream room.
5. Paint everything as if the entire room has been filmed in black and white. Make your entire wardrobe, hair, and skin match. Talk like Tippi Hedron or Cary Grant.
6. Place a red carpet outside leading to the door. Hire a bouncer to stand at the door and deny entrance to your roommate.
7. Keep your terrarium labeled Tarantulas out in the open. Have three tarantulas sitting inside, tagged “1,” “2,” and “4.” Leave a note saying “3” is currently out for a leisure walk and will return when he’s ready.
8. Move out his/her stuff in entirety onto the quad still formed like a room. Make sure a wing-back chair is among the furniture in which a hired Brit can sit, smoke a pipe, and read a leather-bound book.
9. Line the room with bowling alley bumpers and replace all the furniture with inflatable chairs, tables, and beds. Invite the masses to enjoy your new bouncy house.
10. Flood it, freeze it, and have your own ice rink. Leave skates outside the room for all those who enter. Host broomball and human bowling tournaments.
