University officials called for the removal of all citrus fruits and juices from dining halls after Otto the Orange gave a tearful reminder of the slaughtering and mistreatment of oranges worldwide.
Unable to hold back his freshly squeezed citrusy tears at a press conference Tuesday, Otto made it a mission to end human consumption of oranges. “People of Syracuse University, Orange-Americans have suffered long enough,” said Otto in front of a packed Goldstein Auditorium. “No longer do I want to see my fellow oranges being peeled, juiced, squeezed or chased with hard alcoholic drinks any more.”
Chancellor Nancy Cantor spoke on behalf of Syracuse University. “Today is a great day for Syracuse University,” Cantor announced. “We have wronged Otto and the orange community for far too long, Otto has been a staple of this University, and still we support a genocide that destroys his family and friends.”
Otto gave crude reminders of how Americans turn a blind-eye towards orange abuse. “We know all too well that many Americans drink pulp-free orange juice so that they don’t have to be reminded that there was a real orange, who had real dreams, in that cup.”
In support of Otto, many local supermarket owners like Fred Cunningham, owner of P&C Foods in Cicero, have removed citrus items from their shelves. “We knew this day would come, civil rights are civil rights, even if they’re for fruits.”
Otto’s speech delivered at Syracuse University helped the Syracuse community fully understand the barbarism of eating fruit. Some claim that although Otto has proved to be a vital and solitary force in the Orange Equality Movement, he has made no effort to include the protection of other fruits. An acquaintance of Otto the Orange, who wished to remain anonymous, recently said, “Although Otto has become the face of the Orange Rights Movement in Syracuse, he still has some prejudice towards other fruits that he needs to overcome.”
“Otto has ignored large sections of the fruit community,” said someone close to Otto. “He’s highly regarded among oranges, but other fruits don’t find Otto so genuine.”
When asked about how to handle the rights of the other fruits used for human consumption, Otto the Orange made his prejudice clear. “No apple could ever get to where I am today,” said an arrogant and, some say, fruitist Otto. “We’ll talk when an apple grows up and gets some Vitamin-C or at least skin that isn’t paper thin.”
Otto, although working to protect the rights of oranges everywhere, fails to realize that most fruits are unable to voice their opinions. “Hey, I’ve tried many times to open up talks between different groups of fruit, but most fruits are too envious of my standing in the community to talk to me.” Otto then picked up a banana and said, “Look at this, it’s pathetic. This banana doesn’t have any chance to get it’s rights. Even if it did, it wouldn’t know what to do with them.” Otto’s insulting degradation of the banana continued for several minutes but to no response from the lifeless and humiliated banana.
At Otto’s request, our reporters made plans for a discussion panel between fruits to settle the tensions between groups of fruits. Unfortunately, the discussion was cancelled due to the fact that the other fruits could not be reached since most fruits, unlike Otto, don’t own a telephone or as Ottos calls them, ” Low-life fruits who wait for an orange to step in so that they can reap all the benefits while the orange breaks his peel just to get anything done!”
