Following the recent highly-researched
and well-articulated Daily Orange column, the dynamics of Syracuse
University students and their sexual relations have dramatically
shifted. While once upon a time, all undergrads were created equally
““ each frolicking in the unmade bed of another ““ now it seems,
each student must adhere to the social and romantic protocol set
forth by this well-founded article.
Freshman and Sophomore Ladies:
Whore. It. Up. Apparently, that is all
you are good for. Got a short skirt? Make it shorter. Cleavage? Give
us more. You’re not satisfying the requirements of your year unless
you’re underage, at Chucks, on top of a guy whose name you won’t care
to remember. Cheer on your promiscuous sisters. Let no fly go
unzipped, no sheets left un-askew.
Junior and Senior Ladies:
Listen, I hate to be the bearer of bad
news, but y’all bitches be old. Seriously. Cease and desist with all
PDA, casual sex, non-exclusive relationships, and any form of
indecent exposure. Express your new-found maturity with monogamy with
one heterosexual partner (we didn’t mention it? Hooking up with girls
is only something females only do to turn guys on so leave that for
the sexy freshmen and sophomores.) Leave your wrinkly and
unattractive sexual relations for behind closed doors only. And be
SURE to discourage any public displays of sexuality by fellow female
peers. Be stuck-up. You need to think that shit is gross because
you’re old, wise, and have learned that by your age, sex is dry and
futile.
Men:
Repeat after me – get laid. Again. And
again. By as many girls as physically possible. Take on several girls
at once. That really is your one and only purpose in college.
Education, interacting with other human beings on a semi-intellectual
level, respecting one another, valuing females for more than their
genitalia? As if. You’re here for pussy and pussy only (and
seriously, it better be that of underclassmen ““ you don’t want some
stuck-up junior or senior). So be on the prowl every day to scope out
the array of fine ladies because we all know there is but one thing
male students are capable of doing and that’s their female
counterparts
