Syracuse Cancels Winter

The city of Syracuse made the decision to cancel this year’s winter in an unprecedented announcement this morning.

“We felt it was in our city’s best interest to hold off on winter for this year,” Mayor Stephanie Miner said in a statement. “Frankly, I’m tired of staining my boots with rock salt.”

Within the past few weeks, Syracuse citizens have noticed the apparent lack of cold weather and snow characteristic of previous winters. Although some questioned the strange climate, speculations were not confirmed until today’s announcement.

“I’d been wondering why I haven’t had to shovel my driveway yet, or why I haven’t had to pull out my parka,” said Kayla Brooks, who lives on Nottingham Road. “It seems a little gratuitous to be enjoying hot chocolate in 50 degree weather.”

Already, stores throughout Syracuse have experienced a spike in swimming suit and electric fan sales. The decision has proven mostly favorable in a city known for its cold winters and heavy snow.

“I won’t have to strap tennis rackets onto my dog’s paws in the mornings anymore,” said Michael Schwartz, who lives on Meadowbrook Drive.

Even those new to Syracuse were excited at the prospect of a snowless December, January and February ““ months notoriously buried in snow.

“Coming from Los Angeles, I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to find my way to class through all the snow,” said Lindsay Berry, a freshman studying psychology at Syracuse University. “But I guess this means I can go tanning down on Onondaga Lake, right?”

Coffee shops throughout Syracuse have responded the strongest to the decision, having considered pulling their seasonal beverages from the menu in light of the announcement. But as of this afternoon, they have decided to continue offering winter favorites.

“We almost dumped our entire stock of peppermint mocha down the drain and burned all of our red cups in a trashcan out back,” said Caroline White, a barista at the Starbucks on Marshall Street. “But why have a fire if it’s not winter in the first place?”

In her statement, the mayor added that in addition to continuous rain, more leaves would be added to front yards in preparation for the extended autumn.

“I’m tired of the sky pissing in my face,” said Syracuse University senior Mark Cambridge. “But I’ll take the rain over my balls freezing off any day.”