Fantasy football, smantasy shmootball. With the NFL season
just about halfway over, many fantasy footballers are out of their league’s
playoff race and are looking for a new outlet. I’m here to tell you that
Fantasy Beer Pong (FBP) is sweeping the nation more than Swiffer Wet Jet ever
could. This is the new craze among college kids is and it is more popular than
hotcakes right now.
to week with beer pong superstars, match up with a few friends in a league,
have a big ass draft party, do some shit talkin’, and you’re all set for
fant-pong.
games (6-cup games are for you-know-whos) going into the 2010-2011 season:
1. Jerry
Daniels, Syracuse University.
Hands down, last year’s best beer pong player in America. Shoots at an
87% clip on his first shots of the game. Attempts many shots with his eyes
closed and makes sure his opponents know that he makes them. Very quick at
finding beer pong lists at parties and signing his name with a feather and
inkpot that he carries on his person.
2. Erica
Johnson, UCLA. Breaking down the gender barrier in beer pong even though she
definitely looks like a man. Shoots 72% on island cups, by far the best in the
nation. After making a shot, does the “suck it” hand gesture over her crotch.
Intimidates her opponents by showing her private parts and saying, “I’m all up
in your head right now. I’m signing the lease and paying rent in your head
suckaaaaa.” “Sucka” is her catchphrase.
3. Carlton
Paine, Georgetown University. Considered the “Founding Father” of beer pong
because he is 57 years old and wears a powdered wig and other colonial garb
during games. Quotes the United States Constitution while he shoots his “on
fire” shots and quotes the Federalist Papers after missing shots in a row.
Unbelievably good at text messaging while shooting a behind the back shot.
4. Bob
O’Brien, SUNY Fredonia. Nicknamed “Big Shot Bob” simply because he cannot make
any other cup except the final one.
Last season, he went on a Joe DiMaggio-like run of hitting 73 straight
final cups, a record that nobody else cared to keep track of except O’Brien.
Inconsistent is his middle name”¦check out his birth certificate. Prone to
violently arguing with people that he is next in line to play, even though he
did not put his name on the list.
5. Harry
Whitmore, Ohio State University. Attempts more bounce shots than humanly
possible, to the point that is actually really annoying. Creates the weirdest
re-racks beer pong has ever seen, including the “smiley face,” the “dotted
line,” and the “Burmese Python.” Has ended 120 games in the “Circle of Death”
fashion. Notoriously calls timeouts during games to use the bathroom.
