Fuck you move out carts

1) For all you Resident Advisors,
I’ve been there. I get it. You have to close this campus down and invariably there will be some asshole who doesn’t want to leave the dorm by 6pm Sunday afternoon which means you won’t get out of here until long after your sanity and patience have skidaddled. More importantly, you’ll be doing room checks this whole week that will destroy any remaining respect you have for the human race. (“Seriously? 18 pizza boxes?”)

The silver lining? Swiping things from those rooms. The rule is, as long as it’s under $50, it’s gets “tossed” aka finds a nice home with you as its owner. Don’t get too excited. Some rooms will be spotless and some will produce nothing but trash. But I once walked away from a room with what I thought was just a purse and then later saw that same purse at the store for $395. (Loophole with the $50 rule – I didn’t KNOW how much it was worth….right?)

2) For all you students,
No matter what year you are, at least part of you is excited to get the fuck out of that dorm. But the move out process is a shitshow, no lie. Enjoy the finer parts of it like not having *anywhere* to park near your dorm to load all your belongings, have to battle fellow peers for elevators, and dealing with the horribly nefarious gray move-out carts. The sound of those wheels will haunt you for years to come.

The silver lining? If you’re loading your stuff into your parentals’ car, have them treat you to a non-dining hall meal, one of the best perks of parents being on campus. If you’re loading them into your own car, stay on campus beyond that 24 hrs after your last exam and do nothing but drink and use up your remaining superfood at Kimmel. Seriously. Taco Bell has never tasted so good.

3) For you parents,
Don’t shoot your kids. I am more than certain with the next “Wait Mom, no, you have to put the curling iron WITH the straightener in the pink bin” type comment, you will want to personally eviscerate your offspring. It’s tempting for all of us to want to kill the student body when it seems like the entire SU population hands off the responsibility of moving out of their $6000 dorm rooms by having their parents load their cars with everything. Just keep focused to get on the road and then you can hopefully get some cheap labor out of the said son or daughter this summer.

The silver lining? Sheraton happy hour. You think I’m kidding but a discounted martini is the only thing that helps anyone retain his or her grip during this hell week. Or find some student with weed. You think I’m kidding. I know you remember college.