In spite of Occupy Wall Street and
other “Occupy” movements that have cited the growing
discrepancies in the distribution of wealth, it appears the 99% have
lost additional fellow comrades: Follets Bookstore is closing in
February as its managers and owners have set their eyes on trading in
their 99% working class attire for new 1%-style monocles and top

“Let’s get this straight. I make bank
off these illegitimate publishers letting us resell their books
sans-royalties for nearly full retail value. See this stack of math
books? Paid for my ticket to Bermuda,” says Follets owner, Steven
McIntyre. McIntyre’s plan is to the spend the money he has earned
from his time working in Follets and invest said profit in traveling
around the world for the next decade. “It’s actually just chump
change in comparison to what I have earned working here.”

Students fearing the repercussions of
no longer having a second outlet in which to purchase exponentially
over-priced textbooks are now faced with the consequences: buying all
their textbooks in Schine and giving even more of their bank accounts
to SU or attempting to find them on second-hand sites like Ebay and
Craigslist. Unconfirmed rumors report students are having little luck
with books on Craigslist but are finding solicited sexual intercourse
more easily, much to the enjoyment of less textbook-inclined

While sipping from champagne-filled
crystal stemware, McIntyre described his current effort to collect
18th century French impressionism artwork, leather-bound
literature, and unnecessary trinkets to produce a facade associated
only with the highest and most vapid of socioeconomic statuses ““
all from the proceeds of his work on Marshall St.

“Aye me, students really should
consider the career in overpricing textbooks to innocent future
generations of themselves. No 401k could touch the exorbitant excess
with which I now lead my hedonistic lifestyle. Kudos to you, victims
of universities over yonder, for you have payeth my life of luxury.”

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