Friends of sophomore Jonathan Shafer elected to continue partying
hard and getting wasted Saturday night, despite the fact that Shafer was in an
apparent alcohol-induced coma, totally unresponsive and passed out on the couch
in the living room of Alpha Theta fraternity.


“I’m sure he’ll be fine,” said Shafer’s best friend Steve
right before shotgunning a beer and then totally grinding up on this bangin
sorority girl with a really nice bod. “He only had like 12 or so shots. And a
few beer funnels.”


“I asked him if he was okay and he didn’t answer, so that
must mean he’s fine,” Steve continued, as he started a “party’ chant and
triumphantly pumped his fists high in the air while Taio Cruz’s R&B
dance-pop hit “Dynamite” blared incessantly over the fraternity house’s $1800
four-way speaker system.


“Trust me man, I know Jonny. He wouldn’t want us to worry
about him. He would definitely want us to just keep partying,” Steve
elaborated, just after almost matching brother Phil Gordon’s record kegstand
time of two minutes and eighteen seconds. “Plus, he’d probably do the same
thing in my position. Except that one time when I tried chugging a whole bottle
of Patron and I was way hammered. He held a garbage bag in front of my face for
a couple hours while I puked my brains out.”


“This is nothing like that though,” Steve concluded, and
then promptly removed his shirt and flung it in the air, belligerently cheering
himself on as went to ask for multiple girls’ cell phone numbers and then violently
confronted other male party guests for no discernible reason.


After some observers expressed concern for the “kid passed
out on the couch,” Steve then placed a small, unbagged office garbage can next
to Shafer’s face and then proceeded to go back to partying.