Mahwah, NJ – Finally, International Women’s Day has graced us with its presence. Ladies, this is our day to shine. This day is all about us, so spend it wisely. To the gentlemen, it’s ONE DAY, just let us have it. If you’re not sure how to celebrate International Women’s Day, we’ve got some ways to spend the day for both guys and girls. Check out these three options for celebration:

Girls’ Night Route:

In order to achieve full nirvana on International Women’s Day, it’s better to just not talk to boys today. It isn’t worth the self-loathing. Instead, make it a girl’s night. Start by mani-pedi-ing the hell out of yourself. Buy some Ben & Jerry’s from the C-Store and destroy it. Gather the ladies and watch Mean Girls. You may not even get to watch Mean Girls because you’ll be too busy quoting Mean Girls, but at the very least get the idea in your head that you’re going to watch Mean Girls. Now is the time to make a prank phone call to your ex-boyfriend and fart into the phone. Remove all the applicators from your tampons, fill the tampons with water, and drop them from high places. I’ve never done this, but I imagine it will make for a gloriously disgusting splatter sound… And a gloriously disgusted male passerby. Also, if you’re PMSing, just let it rip. Don’t be merciful on any unsuspecting victims. Hormones are a part of womanhood, use them. While you’re at it, take off your bra and just shake ’em.

Hot Betch Route:

I strongly recommend this route – it’s not every year that International Women’s Day falls on a Thursday night. SCREW Ramapo, we’re going to New York City, and we’re going to look hotter than every sista there. Go to a club and walk in like you own the place. If people don’t look immediately, stomp loudly or vomit, that should do it. Hate on every other girl there by verbally abusing them behind their backs. Push the sweaty meatheads off of your new Chiffon dress, no guy is worth the stain. Do not spend one dollar on drinks, they will come to you. As women, we are semi-feminists by nature. You don’t need a guy to make you happy because you’re strong and independent, but at the same time, you’re not gonna just buy yourself drinks… Trust me, the drinks will come. End the night strongly in a smoke circle with your girls howling Beyoncé’s “Run The World (Girls)” until everyone in the building HATES YOU.

“But, I’m a Guy” Route:

Masturbate. Remember, every International Women’s Day ends in blue balls. So make yourself a fucking sandwich.