Mahwah, NJ ““ Yesterday
was a gloomy day in the Berrie Center. Shit got real for Ramapo’s music majors
after the 54th annual Grammy Awards. Students were hit with the hard
truth; they may never be good enough to be on the Grammys.

Students are beginning
to realize that even if they make it to the Grammys, they will never have the
chance to win an award because the British will take all of them. They won’t
even get the chance to make the worst, most awkward Best New Artist speech. Bon
Iver wreaked havoc on those dreams. Never again can someone dream of being the
most prematurely bald Best New Artist.

That’s right, it’s time
to get real. Students will never hear as many 15-year old EDM fans screaming
“ROBBED” at Bon Iver. These sad students won’t even get to stand in front of
David Guetta and pretend to sing well while he pretends to DJ. Poor kids will never be
as old and creepy as Tony Bennett or get to have as many unwanted performances
in one award show as the Foo Fighters. They’ll never get to lose as much weight
as Jennifer Hudson. “I’m no J-Hud. I’m a J-Dud”, said Mike Mazzeo through
blubbers. Never again will a music
student dream of looking as close to packaged meat as Lady Gaga came, as close
to Cruella DeVille as Cyndi Lauper came, or look like a toxic melt (Bonnie
McKee). Gaga had me yelling “SWIM DOWN!” at the TV with her fish-trapped-in-net
get up.

One particularly
depressed student told us, “I’m never going to be good enough to be exorcised
on national television. It’s just never going to happen.” This student
continued to tell us that Nicki Minaj scared him out of the music industry. “I
just left my guidance counselor, I’m going psych”.

Finally, the music
students will never get as much of the Grammys dedicated to them as Whitney.
Even if a Ramapo music student rose to a higher iconic status, they would have
to time their death perfectly the night before the Grammys. The general
consensus amongst these students is that it must be something in the water out
there. The Mahwah water just isn’t the same as LA water; partly because LA’s is
laced with hard drugs and Mahwah’s just mud…

Let’s hear what Ramapo’s
critically acclaimed Facebook journalists had to say about the Grammys:

  1. “thank you Adele for being so wonderful and making me
    feel better about picking my nose”
  2. “so nicki minaj’s performance scared me more
    than the woman in black-and that movie didn’t scare me at all. -____-“
  3. “really grammy awards! why is nicki minaj
    allowed to perform?”
  4. “Grammy’s”
  5. “Rihanna is on so much shit”