With the start of a new semester, there are many questions that pop into students’ minds. Will my classes suck? Are there hot freshmen? Should I go out this Thursday? Well, these questions are easily answered. They’re all yes. But the real issue at hand, the one question we are all waiting for an answer, is this: When will the bears come back?

Oh yes! You think this is a joke? It’s not. We’re all thinking it. Even you, reading this article. You’re thinking it too. But from one question stems a whole tree of qualms and deceit. For countless years, students received emails of bear warnings and sightings on campus. And to those students who can bear witness (see what I did there?) to these sightings, have you ever seen anything done about it?

Well, there is a simple truth behind all these sightings. You’re probably thinking, “it’s because we live in the mountains and this environment is the bears natural habitat.”

Well, you’re wrong. And a smart ass. The truth is much darker, much more sinister. The truth it… President Mercer is a bear.

That’s right. Our college president is a bear, or at one point, made a deal with the bears. Ramapo is always looking for ways to keep students on campus and force them to events that they have every so often. Limiting parking. Making more “fun” events. These were just the beginning. But what better way to keep people in one spot than to surround them with God’s version of sharks on land?

Now, not much more is known about this corrupt bargain, but the evidence is all there. So next time you’re thinking about stepping off campus or going to visit your loved ones, just remember you’re putting everyone else on campus in danger for President Mercer’s bloodlust.