Thanks to Nickelodeon star Amanda Bynes’ current hott mess streak, Ramapo’s most easily influenced students have been dangerously swayed by her recent behavior. According to prestigious news sources like In Touch magazine and The National Inquirer, Ms. Bynes has been arrested for multiple DUI’s and hit & runs in the past year. There have also been rumors surfacing of a drug addiction, which would explain her bizarre actions such as locking herself in a public bathroom for 30 minutes without responding and then emerging saying, “excuse me, I was doing my makeup”.

As you may know, Amanda Bynes was Nickelodeon’s golden child in the 90’s, starring in hit shows All That and The Amanda Show. Many college campuses, including Ramapo, are currently home to kids of the 90’s, whose behavioral changes seem to have adapted to match Amanda Bynes’ behaviors throughout the years. Doctors have been calling this 90’s-inspired condition Bynes Syndrome.

Though the crime rate at Ramapo barely rises above “Public Bearing”, there has been a massive outbreak of drinking and driving, hitting and running, and serious drug-related issues. Senior Billy Brawn told us that the other night in the village, he ‘like hit guy in the face and ran away it was awesome’. Billy seemed to misunderstand the concept of a hit and run, reflecting Ramapo’s honest SAT scores perfectly. When Billy was asked if he has been experimenting with drugs, he laughed and called us stupid.

If you or someone you know contains the following symptoms of Bynes Syndrome, please refer yourself to a physician IMMEDIATELY:

– You refer to yourself as “All That”.
– When introducing yourself, you add the word “Please” after your first name.
– You have two good friends who own a burger joint that quite possibly doubles as a marijuana dispensary.
– You constantly commit crimes and no cop ever blames you because you used to be “my daughter’s favorite”.
– You used to host your own show, now you just host meth.
– You befriend a token fat girl with two first names strictly for comedic purposes (THAT’S A LORI-BETH JOKE YA’LL. KEEP UP.)
– Nowadays you only use “The Girls Room” to do coke.
– You’re vaguely positive you’re not on acid and yet you’re still seeing dancing lobsters.
– And finally, you pose as your fraternal twin of the opposite sex to prove a feminist point about men and women in competitive high school athletics.

Keep Ramapo safe! Remember your roots!