MAHWAH, NJ: A disturbing
new study done at Ramapo College of New Jersey seems to link participation
and/or support of campus athletic teams to a dramatic increase in school
spirit. According to Ramapo census takers, who conducted the survey by
repeatedly sending out duplicates of the same email until students got tired of
sending it unread to their trash folder and finally took it, approximately
46.7% of RCNJ students were actually aware that Ramapo did in fact participate
in NCAA Division III athletics besides soccer, despite the fact that this is
the only sport on Ramapo’s campus that is allowed to post flyers, due to the
Gestapo-esque “anti-bullying” propaganda program they participated in. (The
Ramapo baseball team’s participation in various programs like Thanksgiving food
drives for the less fortunate and support for children with pediatric brain
tumors wasn’t deemed worthy of earning a few square feet on campus bulletin
boards for their flyers, but that’s another story). 

Out of this surprisingly
high percentage of students who were aware of Ramapo varsity athletics, only
12.3% of students said that they either participated or supported Ramapo sports
teams, but those who said they did reported that they actually enjoyed their
experience at Ramapo College. “It’s no Rutgers, but I find that supporting my
team, as well as the other athletic teams on campus, has really made the social
life at Ramapo a lot better because of all the people I’ve met and the
friendships I’ve built,” said one member of the baseball team. When also
interviewed, his girlfriend was quoted as saying, “School sports at Ramapo has
introduced me to a lot of new people, like my boyfriend, his asshole teammates,
and my new slutty best friends that I met in the stands while watching the boys
play. Plus, all the RCNJ Baseball t-shirts made in Coach Martin’s basement have
that perfect balance of stale cigar smoke scent and faded, peeling decal that I
look for in a morning-after-sex-eliptical-workout shirt.”

Upon news of these
findings, though, Ramapo College officials in their headquarters “up the hill,”
as it is referred to by those who have discovered the mythical Bradley Center,
didn’t have the same enthusiasm for Ramapo Roadrunner teams as some of the
students did. Although a slightly higher percentage of these staff members were
aware of the athletic programs at the North Jersey campus (approx. 49.2%), for
one of the first times in the history of surveys, a negative number was
recorded in the statistics for those who said they supported Ramapo athletics.
The result, a startling -2%, has been sent for further analysis to esteemed
universities around the world such as Oxford and Harvard, to see how it is possible
for such a phenomenon as a negative percentage to occur in a survey such as
this. “It is possible, in cases of extreme distaste, hatred, or loathing, that
a negative statistic could occur,” said Dr. Smolga Agina, professor of
mathematics, who specializes in elementary probability and statistics, at
Ramapo College. “Although rare, we’ve seen such cases in the approval ratings
of Barack Obama after black people realized they weren’t getting cash in their
mailbox on his inauguration day and in dining surveys conducted at the Birch
Tree Inn.” 

Dr. Meter Percer, President of Ramapo College and one of the leading
spokesmen in the fight against college athletics, was not shy about voicing his
disapproval of the Ramapo baseball team’s recent success on the ball field. “I
don’t like it, not one bit. We are trying to build a college based on
academically-minded commuters who never get laid and aren’t aware that their school mascot is gayer than the events held at J. Lee’s. How are we to continue
a legacy of boring weekends, alcohol-free social events, and support for nonsensical initiatives like the Diversity Action Committee when people actually want to enjoy the best years of their life at
the school they pay tens of thousands of dollars to attend and live at?” 

wasn’t alone in his disgust for school spirit, as several other members of the
administration, including those in the athletic department, not only expressed
distaste for the athletic program, but in some cases even wanted to eliminate
it entirely. When asked why would they want to eliminate the athletic program,
which would ultimately cost them their jobs, one staff member of the athletic
department replied, “I can just find a job somewhere else on campus. The
Bradley Center isn’t the only place this school pays us to be incompetent.”