Mahwah, NJ – Ah, the first week of May: the most glorious time of the year. A time for starving oneself for summer and cramming one’s brain with throw-away knowledge. It’s also a time for taking as much harassment from Public Safety as possible before buying a flamethrower with dark intentions. Even though it’s super easy to park in the Laurel Lots and rack up $1000 in fines in under 15 minutes, Public Safety decided to implement new Laurel Lots Laws for the last week of school. We interviewed a few students and non-students who have forcibly succumbed to Public Safety’s torture tactics this week:

“It’s finals week, I’m so stressed that my pimples have pimples. The last thing I need is a $250 ‘Chamillionaire Ticket’ for singing ‘They See Me Rollin, They Hatin’ while driving through the Laurel Lots. Come on, guys. Have some compassion…” – Samantha Waybacker.

“Uhhhh, yeah, my basketball went over the fence and landed in the parking lot, and Public Safety taped a $1000 ‘Orange Leather Ticket’ to it, whatever that means.. Am I supposed to pay that? Or is my basketball?” – Average RC basketball player.

“I was just visiting my grandson. My hospital bills can’t even afford me a wheelchair, so I hobbled through the Laurel Lots to the Student Center as a shortcut. How am I going to pay a $500 ‘Old Walking Ticket’? This won’t bode well for my dementia.” – Paul Rice’s Grandmother

“I wasn’t even positive I could talk until right now, but Public Safety called me a slut and then fined me a $25,000 ‘Looking Too Inviting Ticket’ and a $100,000 ticket for staying in my spot for too long. I’ve been here for years…”  – The Laurel Lots

We then interviewed Public Safety on the matter, who to the height of their intelligence, said, “Daaaaahhhhhhuuuuuhhhhhhh”. They then threw us a $400 ‘Educated Ticket’.