For some time, cinema experts around the country have been
puzzled by the question of how Adam Sandler could have been so funny in the 90s
yet so bad in the past few years. After the release of Jack & Jill this past weekend, however, the authorities have decided
that there could only be one possible answer.


“We have concluded that the real Adam Sandler died shortly
after the filming of The Longest Yard
in 2005,” says investigator John Brown. “Since then, a guy who looks like him
has been starring in several movies under Sandler’s name. Unfortunately,
however, this imposter is not funny. At all.”


Responses to the news have been mixed.


“I guess it’s a lot to take in at first, but when you think
about it, it’s really not that surprising,” says disgruntled Adam Sandler-fan
Kent Gonzalez. “Especially when you find out that You Don’t Mess with the Zohan was actually filmed in 2004, but
released much later. I mean, have you seen Grown
? I actually wanted to burn the theater down after that movie.”


Fans across the country suddenly went from anger at Sandler for
releasing such horrible films to grief at the realization that the star of these
movies was not actually him. In spite of the sadness, one man has found a
silver lining in this catastrophe.


“At least Adam Sandler will be remembered for his good
stuff, like Billy Madison and The Waterboy,” says Rob Schneider, a
friend of Sandler’s. “I probably won’t be remembered for anything, expect maybe
following him around.”