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Report: New York Jets Fans Hope Super Bowl XLVI Goes Something Like 1:18-1:30 of This Video
A group of disgruntled Jets fans can also be seen storming the field at 1:04-1:08.
BREAKING NEWS: Cornell Working to Hire Victor Cruz as Salsa 101 Instructor
Everyone at Cornell (except transfers…how come they get away with this?) has to take two gym classes and a swim test before they are able to graduate. For some reason it is important that we have both academic knowledge and have 6 credits worth of some physical activity knowledge. We are a well rounded university!... MORE »
Giants v. Patriots: Keys to the Game
Giants -I hear Peyton Manning’s recovered. Get him to play quarterback. Eli’s jersey doesn’t specify which Manning needs to play. -Remind Ahmad Bradshaw that even though he plays for the Giants, the other team will be the same size. -Try the Fumblerooski. This will pay out tremendously. For me. I made a certain, little bet... MORE »
The Giants v. The 49ers: From a Guy Who Doesn’t Know About Sports
So you’re probably thinking, why don’t I know anything about sports? I am a guy and I want to join a frat. Not the typical stereotype now, am I? Yeah, breaking barriers! Anyway, I played sports when I was a kid. Standard, Little League and soccer where everyone runs around chasing the ball and there... MORE »
Cornell Economists Determine Jesus Christ’s Patronage of Tim Tebow to be “Inefficient†and “Not conducive to solving legitimate world problems.”
Ithaca NY””Economists working in Cornell’s Policy Analysis Lab have recently discovered several flaws in Jesus Christ’s social policies. The economists, studying everything from theological infrastructures to econometrics, published a journal article last Monday noting discrepancies between Jesus Christ’s “plans for all creatures on earth” and football. The team learned that Jesus invested too much of... MORE »
Who You Gonna Call? BILL MURRAY!
Over Fall Break Cornell is a ghost town. The only people on campus are athletes and townies. The Cornell Big Red Marching Band desperate for some attention called on the only man they knew would answer their call….Bill Murray? Apparently Billy Murray is still there to answer the Ghostbusters’ hot line. Check out the SNL... MORE »
Wagner football looking a lot like Cornell football
I bet I’m not the only one surprised it wasn’t a Cornell kid running backwards MORE »
Giants Fan Wreaks Havoc In Aviary Exhibit
A Cornell student was arrested yesterday evening after breaking into the Bronx zoo and trying to maim the eagles found in the zoo’s aviary. After watching the Philadelphia Eagles mount a 28 point comeback in the last 8 minutes of the game, including a punt-return for a touchdown as time expired, Walter Hand snapped and... MORE »
Cornell Football Sucks
Last year I went to one Cornell home football game. It was homecoming so I don’t remember much, but what I do remember was that the cheerleaders were far more entertaining. I left the game after what I would say was probably five or ten minutes right about the time when the opposing team, Fordham... MORE »
Math Library Needs to Recalculate its Priorities
it’s cool if I leave my iPod and laptop alone here right? MORE »
And Your 2013 Convocation Speaker Is..
Every year, seniors at Cornell wonder who will deliver the convocation address at their graduation. Although they will barely remember the words said, it’s the biggest moment of their lives and want to be able to say someone influential shared the moment with them. With New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg speaking at graduation less... MORE »
Cornellians on the Harvard Cheating Scandal: “Why can’t our school be that easy?”
Recent news reports that about half of the Harvard Class of 2012 is under investigation and at risk for losing their diplomas for illicit collaboration on a TAKE-HOME final exam (seriously) has left Cornell students scratching their heads. “The New York Times article says that ‘students were tripped up by a course whose tests were... MORE »
Cornell University Invaded by Extraterrestrial Lifeforms From Planet Q580 in Quadrant X
With all the rumors of Vinny Guadagnino coming to Cornell being untrue, thousands of Ivy League students were shocked and astounded to find that a satirical news website would provide them with inaccurate information. Lucky for you, Earthlings, a REAL extraordinary sensation has crash-landed in Beebe Lake at approximately 3:28 AM. Broadcasted on every major... MORE »
Dobby the House Elf Will Hold Town-Hall Forum at Lynah Rink
Dobby the House Elf, the magical creature from the Harry Potter franchise whose cuteness and silly way of talking has drawn the adoration of college student nationwide, will speak at Cornell’s Lynah Rink on April 19, according to Cornell House-Elf Liberation Front Chair Seamus Shacklebolt, ’13. Dobby is planning to attend rallies on 30 college... MORE »
Amanda Bynes Arrested for DUI
According to Cornell Law Professor Gold, at the close of the trial the dancing lobsters were brought in. MORE »
Report: Small Group of Ugandan Activists Begin Online Campaign to Stop Terrible Man Halfway Around the World
Starting in 2012, 4/20 will no longer just be about getting high or remembering Columbine… it will also be about this guy. MORE »
Local Student Refuses to Vote for Anyone Who Doesn’t Dress Like an Elf
ITHACA, NY ““ Carl Burkenson ’15, of Cornell University, has reportedly absolutely refused to vote for anyone in the coming SA elections who does not dress like an elf and sing songs. “You heard me correctly,” says Carl. “Don’t bother adding me to your god damn Facebook group. Unless of course, you wear an elf... MORE »
Sober Sophomore Wanders into Nasties ““ Unsure What to Do
Local Sophomore Brian Ritzoff was in a bit of a bind last Friday afternoon when he found himself to be both sober and at Nasties ““ simultaneously. “So, like, what should I even order?” asked Brian. “Chicken nuggets? Would those even taste good right now?” As Brian stood there paralyzed by indecision, a Townhouse kid... MORE »
Katie Jones ’15 Decides to Give Swahili Literature 101 A Chance
NORTH CAMPUS ““ After hours of thought and consideration, Cornell Freshman Katie Jones has decided today that she will give Swahili Literature 101 a chance. “I really had absolutely no interest in the topic whatsoever,” says Katie Jones. “But, the professor actually made the class seem pretty interesting, and the first few readings did make... MORE »
In Epic Showdown in NYC, Big Red Bear tears down Stanford Tree
UPDATE: After a short and brief skirmish this past weekend, Cornell has taken out the rest of its competitors and won the fight. NEW YORK, NY ““ Millions of New Yorkers watched in awe this past Friday as the Big Red Bear tore down the Stanford Tree in an epic battle raging on Roosevelt Island.... MORE »
Wing Wednesday Cancelled, Replaced With This Green Shit
NORTH CAMPUS ““ Robert Purcell Community Center erupted into chaos Wednesday night, as while students and faculty arrived expecting the luscious aroma of Wing Wednesday’s glorious spicy chicken wings, they instead found this green shit. “I look forward to Wing Wednesday all week,” says hungry freshmen Kent Gonzalez. “And low and behold, the Wednesday... MORE »
Year 2031: All Former Long Island SAT Cheaters Now Wall Street Executives
In what is now being described as one of the greatest success stories of the century, five ex-convicts from Long Island, previously incarcerated for defrauding the Educational Testing Service, have all become executives of multi-billion dollar firms on Wall Street. “After getting arrested for taking the SATs for 30 other students when I was... MORE »
Conspiracy Revealed: Adam Sandler Died in 2005; Replaced with Unfunny Look-Alike
For some time, cinema experts around the country have been puzzled by the question of how Adam Sandler could have been so funny in the 90s yet so bad in the past few years. After the release of Jack & Jill this past weekend, however, the authorities have decided that there could only be one... MORE »
Watch Women’s Hockey, Get Rewarded!
So we need to bribe our fans to come to games now? MORE »
Report: Marijuana Would Totally be Legal If Stoners Weren’t Too Lazy To Actually Take Action
This past Wednesday, researchers at the Cornell Department of Policy Analysis and Management were shocked to discover that marijuana would totally be legal if stoners weren’t too lazy to actually take political action on the issue. “After conducting a thorough and comprehensive analysis on cannabis facts, we were surprised to find that there is... MORE »
Administration Chuckles As Students Beg for a More Efficient CourseEnroll System
Administration was reportedly chuckling today as students across the campus cried out for an easier way to enroll in courses for the following semester than the current CourseEnroll system. “I fucking woke up at 6:30 AM to make sure I could get in on time, said fuming freshmen Kent Gonzalez. “After 30 minutes of... MORE »
‘Occupy Gringotts’ Protests Shut Down Diagon Alley for Third Straight Day
Business on Diagon Alley remains at a standstill for the third day in a row this week as Occupy Gringotts protestors clog the streets, impeding traffic and halting business operations. Thousands of wizards from around the world remain convened outside of Gringotts as the protests continue. “One percent of magical creatures [goblins] control all of... MORE »
In Light of Gilad Shalit Deal, Nation’s Top Economists Recommend Americans Invest in Israelis
WALL STREET – Investors and business magnates across the nation Tuesday scrambled to invest in what quickly appears to be becoming one of the most profitable long-term securities in the world: Israelis. “If you look at the numbers, they’re simply astounding,” says Jewish Goldman Sachs CEO, Lloyd Blankfein. “Back in the 1980s, one Israeli... MORE »
In New Policy, Skorton Puts George Orwell “Obey” Stickers on Every Frat Party ID Scanner
NORTH CAMPUS – In what he calls a “friendly reminder to freshmen that we’re watching their every move,” Cornell University President David Skorton has instituted a new policy that requires every ID scanner used at frat parties to bear an “Obey” sticker from George Orwell’s classic novel, 1984. “You see, every time you put... MORE »
Report: Upstairs at Frat Party, Cornell Student Discovers Meaning of Life
The academic world of philosophy was turned upside-down this past weekend when Ron Davis, an underclassman from Cornell, allegedly discovered the meaning of life. “I was just chilling with some guys upstairs in this frat house, listening to some Radiohead, and definitely not doing anything illegal,” says Davis in between bites of his chicken... MORE »
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