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May 15, 2012

Cornell University Invaded by Extraterrestrial Lifeforms From Planet Q580 in Quadrant X

With all the rumors of Vinny Guadagnino coming to Cornell being untrue, thousands of Ivy League students were shocked and astounded to find that a satirical news website would provide them with inaccurate information. Lucky for you, Earthlings, a REAL extraordinary sensation has crash-landed in Beebe Lake at approximately 3:28 AM. Broadcasted on every major... MORE »

April 13, 2012

Dobby the House Elf Will Hold Town-Hall Forum at Lynah Rink

Dobby the House Elf, the magical creature from the Harry Potter franchise whose cuteness and silly way of talking has drawn the adoration of college student nationwide, will speak at Cornell’s Lynah Rink on April 19, according to Cornell House-Elf Liberation Front Chair Seamus Shacklebolt, ’13. Dobby is planning to attend rallies on 30 college... MORE »

April 9, 2012

Amanda Bynes Arrested for DUI

According to Cornell Law Professor Gold, at the close of the trial the dancing lobsters were brought in. MORE »

March 17, 2012 1 Comment

Report: Small Group of Ugandan Activists Begin Online Campaign to Stop Terrible Man Halfway Around the World

Starting in 2012, 4/20 will no longer just be about getting high or remembering Columbine… it will also be about this guy. MORE »

February 22, 2012

Local Student Refuses to Vote for Anyone Who Doesn’t Dress Like an Elf

ITHACA, NY ““ Carl Burkenson ’15, of Cornell University, has reportedly absolutely refused to vote for anyone in the coming SA elections who does not dress like an elf and sing songs. “You heard me correctly,” says Carl. “Don’t bother adding me to your god damn Facebook group. Unless of course, you wear an elf... MORE »

February 9, 2012

Sober Sophomore Wanders into Nasties ““ Unsure What to Do

Local Sophomore Brian Ritzoff was in a bit of a bind last Friday afternoon when he found himself to be both sober and at Nasties ““ simultaneously. “So, like, what should I even order?” asked Brian. “Chicken nuggets? Would those even taste good right now?” As Brian stood there paralyzed by indecision, a Townhouse kid... MORE »

January 26, 2012

Katie Jones ’15 Decides to Give Swahili Literature 101 A Chance

NORTH CAMPUS ““ After hours of thought and consideration, Cornell Freshman Katie Jones has decided today that she will give Swahili Literature 101 a chance. “I really had absolutely no interest in the topic whatsoever,” says Katie Jones. “But, the professor actually made the class seem pretty interesting, and the first few readings did make... MORE »

January 26, 2012

Report: New York Jets Fans Hope Super Bowl XLVI Goes Something Like 1:18-1:30 of This Video

A group of disgruntled Jets fans can also be seen storming the field at 1:04-1:08. MORE »