There have been many sightings of hair pulling, high-pitched
shrieking, and glazed over smiles around Mizzou campus as of late ““ and not
from the male population. What, you may
ask, is causing this extra mania among the females?
Hairy canines
and dead people.
That’s right. Girls are twisting their panties increasingly
more as the week progresses because Friday the next installment of the Twilight
Saga, “Breaking Dawn,” will premiere.
Girls shall scream, faint, and gasp as shirts are taken off, dead people
profess their undying love, and some boy dogs whine in the background.
In this movie, Bella ““ the
charisma-less main character ““ marries her vampire lover, has a honeymoon that
involves such great sex that headboards are broken, and becomes
impregnated. While this news is normally
followed by celebration, people get a little weirded out when a dead person who
no longer breathes is somehow able to give sperm. And things get even freakier as the love
child begins hurting Bella from within.
Intense scenes follow between all the characters, including the rejected
werewolf and the baby daddy.
While one would normally assume
such a dramatic, sappy movie would unite the girls, this particular one seems
to be having the opposite effect.
“I saw this one bitch wearing a “Team
Edward’ t-shirt the other day,” Crystal Varner, junior, reported. “I wanted to rip it off and tear it to
shreds, but I settled for the middle finger instead. It’s classier.”
Varner was wearing a shirt depicting
a half naked boy as she commented.
Freshmen Stephanie Wane also
reported having a hostile encounter with the enemy.
“Some girls sitting behind me at
lunch started laughing at my screensaver of Jacob Black with no shirt on.” She took a moment to stare off into
space. A napkin was provided to wipe the
salivation off her chin. Wane then
recounted the bitching-out that ensued, which was mostly exchanging accusations
such as necrophilia and animal abuse.
The argument between whether the
human girl should choose vampire or werewolf as a mate has consumed even the
best of friendships. Amy Lester and
Sheryl Thomas, two sophomore girls, are not speaking to each other due to the
recent stress of the premiere.
“When I found out she was
pro-Jacob, I was horrified,” Thomas said.
“I mean, that obviously just shows lack of good judgment.”
After being told about what Thomas
said, Lester shrugged. “The reason we aren’t talking anymore is because she
can’t handle the truth. We were arguing over whom had the better body, and I
said that Jacob does, obviously, because he at least doesn’t have to spray on
his delectable six-pack. She walked out.”
Males around campus are both
disgusted and frightened by the unusual female behavior. Several boys, when
asked about it, rolled their eyes and insisted that “bitches be trippin’.” Dan
Hayes, senior, stated, “It’s like their PMSing, but for a month instead of a
week. It’s fucking scary, man!”
