Recent news reports that about half of the Harvard Class of 2012 is under investigation and at risk for losing their diplomas for illicit collaboration on a TAKE-HOME final exam (seriously) has left Cornell students scratching their heads.

“The New York Times article says that ‘students were tripped up by a course whose tests were confusing, whose grading was inconsistent, and for which the professor and teaching assistants gave contradictory signals about what they expect.’ Hey, I think I heard that same speech from the guy who failed Orgo,” says thirsty Freshmen Kent Gonzalez. “Like actually, does the New York Times take the time to think about what they’re writing before they publish it?”

Accordingly, the professor of the course “gave out 120 A’s last year, and [would] give out 120 more.”

“I’m not even sure how to respond to that,” said thirsty Freshmen Kent Gonzalez. “I’m just feeling some kind of bizarre mix of incredulity and nausea, and I’m not even drunk.”

Additionally, the final exam was completely “open book, open note, open Internet, etc.” although officially, students were strictly forbidden from consulting with each other about test. Furthermore, teaching fellows would routinely give answers on the exam to students just because they asked.

“My word!” exclaimed incredulous Harvard freshmen William James Beauford III. “That professor must be an alumnus of that dastardly institution in New Haven!”

“Ha. Haha,” said Kent Gonzalez shortly before throwing himself into a gorge.

As of press time, it is unclear whether Harvard students were also granted copies of the entire answer key to the test by their Professor, as well as whether the Professor even graded the tests at all or just gave 96% of the class A’s (that’s the percentage of Harvard students who graduate with A averages).