Report: Small Group of Ugandan Activists Begin Online Campaign to Stop Terrible Man Halfway Around the World

Article by G-Nonymous

March 17, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Starting in 2012, 4/20 will no longer just be about getting high or remembering Columbine… it will also be about this guy.

SEE MORE » rick santorum

◄ Columbians Withhold Sex Over Obama Controversy, Barnard Women Rejoice

One-Liners of the Week! ►

October 16, 2010

The Perfect Match

Too hot for closed toed shoes AND a jacket? Too cold for just a sweater and flip-flops? This wise Cornellian has found the combination to master Ithaca weather. MORE »

November 30, 2011

World Record For Largest Number of Simultaneous Boners Set

Last night, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show had a very unexpected outcome: not only did they showcase their goods in a high profile setting, they set a dubious guiness world record for most erections occurring at one point in time. In a study conducted by Cornell’s Statistics Department early this morning, it was determined that... MORE »

December 26, 2010

All He Wanted for Hanukkah is Sex.

Everyone’s favorite guitar strumming freshman, Gangstern22, is back at it again – this time, it goes out to all you college ladies looking to increase your carnal knowledge if you know what I mean. Enjoy! MORE »

September 22, 2011

Cornell Freshmen Outraged to Discover that Costume Contest was Actually Student Assembly Elections

NORTH CAMPUS ““ Freshmen across Cornell University’s North Campus were shocked and infuriated to find out that what they believed to be a costume contest over the past couple of weeks was actually Student Assembly Elections. “I just can’t believe this,” says freshmen student Katie Gold. “Just a few nights ago I was walking... MORE »

April 25, 2011

The Return of Music Monday

So almost 6 months ago exactly I had this great idea of posting music every Monday. It worked really well that first Monday (so not really at all), but then I got sidetracked by, well, drinking 4 days a week and somewhat succeeding in school. So forgive me for being absent (read: honestly i’ve been... MORE »

February 7, 2011

Giant Snow Dick!

too bad campus police destroyed it MORE »

December 2, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: The Cornell Apocalypse is Near

Well, it’s official. The world is ending. After a two week hiatus from Four Loko, students everywhere have been on edge. Life just isn’t the same – people wake up and actually know where they are, with their dignities still intact. THIS IS UNHEARD OF. Long gone are the days of passing out outside of... MORE »

December 18, 2011

The NYC Tech Campus: Cornellâ€™s Plan to Take Over the World

On Friday, it was announced that Cornell received a $350 million dollar donation to help their bid for a tech campus on Roosevelt Island in New York City. Cornell’s bid is now at $2 billion dollars and they are now the front-runners to win this opportunity. What people do not know is that there is... MORE »

February 16, 2012

Cornell Pledges are Sexy And They Know It

AEPi pledges serenade sororities with a junk-jiggling rendition of LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It.” (at 2:09) MORE »

November 3, 2010

Cornell to ban Wheelie Backpacks?

Cornell University had received multiple complaints from professors, students and prospective students after visiting about the amount of wheelie back packs around campus. “The wheelie backpacks are an inconvenience” says Aaron Stewart ’14. “I admit I had one in high school, but when I got to college I knew it was time for a change.”... MORE »

September 1, 2012

Cornellians on the Harvard Cheating Scandal: “Why can’t our school be that easy?”

Recent news reports that about half of the Harvard Class of 2012 is under investigation and at risk for losing their diplomas for illicit collaboration on a TAKE-HOME final exam (seriously) has left Cornell students scratching their heads. “The New York Times article says that ‘students were tripped up by a course whose tests were... MORE »

August 28, 2012

So… Anyone Have Any Extras?

May 15, 2012

Cornell University Invaded by Extraterrestrial Lifeforms From Planet Q580 in Quadrant X

With all the rumors of Vinny Guadagnino coming to Cornell being untrue, thousands of Ivy League students were shocked and astounded to find that a satirical news website would provide them with inaccurate information. Lucky for you, Earthlings, a REAL extraordinary sensation has crash-landed in Beebe Lake at approximately 3:28 AM. Broadcasted on every major... MORE »

April 13, 2012

Dobby the House Elf Will Hold Town-Hall Forum at Lynah Rink

Dobby the House Elf, the magical creature from the Harry Potter franchise whose cuteness and silly way of talking has drawn the adoration of college student nationwide, will speak at Cornell’s Lynah Rink on April 19, according to Cornell House-Elf Liberation Front Chair Seamus Shacklebolt, ’13. Dobby is planning to attend rallies on 30 college... MORE »

April 9, 2012

Amanda Bynes Arrested for DUI

According to Cornell Law Professor Gold, at the close of the trial the dancing lobsters were brought in. MORE »

February 22, 2012

Local Student Refuses to Vote for Anyone Who Doesnâ€™t Dress Like an Elf

ITHACA, NY ““ Carl Burkenson ’15, of Cornell University, has reportedly absolutely refused to vote for anyone in the coming SA elections who does not dress like an elf and sing songs. “You heard me correctly,” says Carl. “Don’t bother adding me to your god damn Facebook group. Unless of course, you wear an elf... MORE »

February 9, 2012

Sober Sophomore Wanders into Nasties ““ Unsure What to Do

Local Sophomore Brian Ritzoff was in a bit of a bind last Friday afternoon when he found himself to be both sober and at Nasties ““ simultaneously. “So, like, what should I even order?” asked Brian. “Chicken nuggets? Would those even taste good right now?” As Brian stood there paralyzed by indecision, a Townhouse kid... MORE »

January 26, 2012

Katie Jones ’15 Decides to Give Swahili Literature 101 A Chance

NORTH CAMPUS ““ After hours of thought and consideration, Cornell Freshman Katie Jones has decided today that she will give Swahili Literature 101 a chance. “I really had absolutely no interest in the topic whatsoever,” says Katie Jones. “But, the professor actually made the class seem pretty interesting, and the first few readings did make... MORE »

January 26, 2012

Report: New York Jets Fans Hope Super Bowl XLVI Goes Something Like 1:18-1:30 of This Video

A group of disgruntled Jets fans can also be seen storming the field at 1:04-1:08. MORE »

December 17, 2011

In Epic Showdown in NYC, Big Red Bear tears down Stanford Tree

UPDATE: After a short and brief skirmish this past weekend, Cornell has taken out the rest of its competitors and won the fight. NEW YORK, NY ““ Millions of New Yorkers watched in awe this past Friday as the Big Red Bear tore down the Stanford Tree in an epic battle raging on Roosevelt Island.... MORE »

November 30, 2011

Wing Wednesday Cancelled, Replaced With This Green Shit

NORTH CAMPUS ““ Robert Purcell Community Center erupted into chaos Wednesday night, as while students and faculty arrived expecting the luscious aroma of Wing Wednesday’s glorious spicy chicken wings, they instead found this green shit. “I look forward to Wing Wednesday all week,” says hungry freshmen Kent Gonzalez. “And low and behold, the Wednesday... MORE »

November 28, 2011

Year 2031: All Former Long Island SAT Cheaters Now Wall Street Executives

In what is now being described as one of the greatest success stories of the century, five ex-convicts from Long Island, previously incarcerated for defrauding the Educational Testing Service, have all become executives of multi-billion dollar firms on Wall Street. “After getting arrested for taking the SATs for 30 other students when I was... MORE »

November 16, 2011

Conspiracy Revealed: Adam Sandler Died in 2005; Replaced with Unfunny Look-Alike

For some time, cinema experts around the country have been puzzled by the question of how Adam Sandler could have been so funny in the 90s yet so bad in the past few years. After the release of Jack & Jill this past weekend, however, the authorities have decided that there could only be one... MORE »

November 12, 2011

Watch Women’s Hockey, Get Rewarded!

So we need to bribe our fans to come to games now? MORE »

November 9, 2011

Report: Marijuana Would Totally be Legal If Stoners Werenâ€™t Too Lazy To Actually Take Action

This past Wednesday, researchers at the Cornell Department of Policy Analysis and Management were shocked to discover that marijuana would totally be legal if stoners weren’t too lazy to actually take political action on the issue. “After conducting a thorough and comprehensive analysis on cannabis facts, we were surprised to find that there is... MORE »

November 2, 2011

Administration Chuckles As Students Beg for a More Efficient CourseEnroll System

Administration was reportedly chuckling today as students across the campus cried out for an easier way to enroll in courses for the following semester than the current CourseEnroll system. “I fucking woke up at 6:30 AM to make sure I could get in on time, said fuming freshmen Kent Gonzalez. “After 30 minutes of... MORE »

October 23, 2011 1 Comment

‘Occupy Gringotts’ Protests Shut Down Diagon Alley for Third Straight Day

Business on Diagon Alley remains at a standstill for the third day in a row this week as Occupy Gringotts protestors clog the streets, impeding traffic and halting business operations. Thousands of wizards from around the world remain convened outside of Gringotts as the protests continue. “One percent of magical creatures [goblins] control all of... MORE »

October 18, 2011

In Light of Gilad Shalit Deal, Nationâ€™s Top Economists Recommend Americans Invest in Israelis

WALL STREET – Investors and business magnates across the nation Tuesday scrambled to invest in what quickly appears to be becoming one of the most profitable long-term securities in the world: Israelis. “If you look at the numbers, they’re simply astounding,” says Jewish Goldman Sachs CEO, Lloyd Blankfein. “Back in the 1980s, one Israeli... MORE »

October 12, 2011

In New Policy, Skorton Puts George Orwell “Obey” Stickers on Every Frat Party ID Scanner

NORTH CAMPUS – In what he calls a “friendly reminder to freshmen that we’re watching their every move,” Cornell University President David Skorton has instituted a new policy that requires every ID scanner used at frat parties to bear an “Obey” sticker from George Orwell’s classic novel, 1984. “You see, every time you put... MORE »

October 2, 2011

Report: Upstairs at Frat Party, Cornell Student Discovers Meaning of Life

The academic world of philosophy was turned upside-down this past weekend when Ron Davis, an underclassman from Cornell, allegedly discovered the meaning of life. “I was just chilling with some guys upstairs in this frat house, listening to some Radiohead, and definitely not doing anything illegal,” says Davis in between bites of his chicken... MORE »

Belly Dancers Captivate Ithacans

Youngest Drum Major in Cornell Marching Band History

Shit Cornellians at Cornell Say

Songs for Slope Day

Math Library Needs to Recalculate its Priorities

Jewish American Princess (JAP): A Documentary

MUST READ: Grads Caught Doing Keg-Stands on President Skorton's Roof

Battle of the Basements