WALL STREET – Investors and business magnates across the
nation Tuesday scrambled to invest in what quickly appears to be becoming one
of the most profitable long-term securities in the world: Israelis.


“If you look at the numbers, they’re simply astounding,”
says Jewish Goldman Sachs CEO, Lloyd Blankfein. “Back in the 1980s, one Israeli
hostage was only worth about 400 Palestinian prisoners. Today, one Israeli is
worth over a thousand!”


“If the value of Israelis continues to increase at this
rate,” says Jewish Economist Alan Krueger, “then by the year 2048, one Israeli
will be worth the entire population of Gaza! Invest now!”


Jewish Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke, has
recommended that all Americans invest in Israelis as an alternative to
traditional stocks, saying, “let’s face it, with all of the dysfunction in
government and lack of any sort of feasible plan to solve the financial crisis,
the stock market will never stabilize. Ever. However, the value of Israelis is
constantly on the rise!”  


Apparently, Jewish bankers on Wall Street have been
capitalizing on the value of Israelis for years, explaining why so many of them
have been so successful. Most Americans, on the other hand, have been unaware
of this source of profit.


“The truth is, I don’t know jack shit about Israel,” says goyim
Harold Smith. “All I really do is look at pictures of bombings in Time magazine and make crude judgments
about the country.”