ITHACA, NY ““ Carl Burkenson ’15, of Cornell University, has
reportedly absolutely refused to vote for anyone in the coming SA elections who
does not dress like an elf and sing songs.

“You heard me correctly,” says Carl. “Don’t bother adding me
to your god damn Facebook group. Unless of course, you wear an elf costume and
serenade me at dinner.”

Apparently, Carl is holding fast to his convictions. Even when candidates
told him their completely original ideas like giving everyone on campus a free bus pass,
or promised to fix very broken systems like the meal plan options, Carl refused to budge.
Even when Amy Fredrickson ’13, a candidate for SA President, implored him that
she loved Cornell more than anything and it was the greatest university in the world,
he still refused to vote for her.

“I’m not changing my mind,” said Carl. “Dress like an elf,
or no vote.”

When asked why he was setting such ridiculous expectations
for the candidates, Burkenson replied, “Cause if you’re gonna dress up like an
elf everyday, you definitely want to get elected a hell of a lot more than
anyone else.”