On Sunday morning, numerous
first-hand accounts revealed that a substantial percentage of America’s
soon-to-be luminaries were severely intoxicated and self-incapacitated on the
preceding evening. “Man, I was fucked up last night,” said future New York
State Senator David Adelsberg ’12, “This hangover is killing me!”

“My futon is covered in puke,” added
the future Congressman.

In similar developments across
campus, multiple testimonials indicate that many of the country’s top prospective
business executives engaged in some form of underage drinking and illegal
substance abuse. Despite the well-known fact that the drinking age is 21,
future Goldman Sachs CFO Michael Alexander ’15 purposely violated this law, as
he “ripped off 8 shots of Jack in-a-row.”

Meanwhile, hotelie Jennifer Brown
’14 confirmed reports that she was “rolling on E” last night. “It was, like, woaaaa!” stated the
future Executive Vice President of Holiday Inn, “I hope those pictures don’t
end up on Facebook!”

Still, the most scandalous event
transpired in the bedroom of one future Head Researcher at the National
Institute of Health, Anthony Gonzalez ’12. There, the future discoverer of a
vaccination for AIDS, engaged in unprotected coitus with “this cute blonde girl
from my bio class,” aka future President of Sloan Kettering Emma DeFelice ’13.
The couple did not disclose their sexual history with each other, nor were they
in a mutually monogamous relationship.

“What these people do on their weekends
is absolutely revolting” said Devin Johnston ’15. “I, on the other hand, like to head to my local library, and
just curl up with a good book,” continued the future unemployed English major.

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