UPDATE: After a short and brief skirmish this past weekend, Cornell has taken out the rest of its competitors and won the fight.

NEW YORK, NY ““ Millions of New Yorkers watched in awe this
past Friday as the Big Red Bear tore down the Stanford Tree in an epic battle
raging on Roosevelt Island.

“It was crazy,” says New Yorker Harold Schwartz. “But at the
end of the day, I guess the Big Red Bear was more powerful. About 350 million
times more powerful, in fact.”

The Big Red Bear and the Stanford Tree have been battling it
out in the city for the past several months. They appeared pretty evenly
matched, until the Big Red Bear finally delivered a decisive blow yesterday.

“If you look at the facts though, it seems pretty clear that
the Big Red Bear was destined to win,” says analyst Mike Weisshoff. “Though the
Stanford Tree was powerful, it was not well-suited to the unfamiliar battle
terrain and real estate laws of New York City. The Big Red Bear, on the other
hand, has been in New York plenty of times, and therefore had a much keener
understanding of the environment.”

While the Big Red Bear still has yet to take out a Lion,
a Bobcat, and Scotty the Scottie Dog, the Stanford Tree was by far the most
threatening foe, so the Big Red Bear’s ultimate victory now appears all but
inevitable.

“I’ve secretly been rooting for the Big Red Bear all along,”
says New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. “This battle is taking place in New
York, and I would like nothing more than to crown a New Yorker as the winner.
Someone tell that damn Stanford Tree to get his stump back to California.”

“I would say this win is just about the second-greatest
accomplishment of my career,” says Cornell University President David Skorton.
“The greatest of course being my banning of freshmen from open-house frat
parties on campus.”

Reportedly, many Cornell students afterwards told Skorton to
“stfu” and “not ruin this moment.”