In what is now being described as one of the greatest
success stories of the century, five ex-convicts from Long Island, previously
incarcerated for defrauding the Educational Testing Service, have all become executives
of multi-billion dollar firms on Wall Street.
“After getting arrested for taking the SATs for 30 other
students when I was younger, I thought I was finished,” says investment banker Mike Eshagian. “But then, after a few years of hard work, integrity, and honesty, I
was able to land a job on the executive board of one of Wall Street’s biggest companies.
Yowza!”
“I mean, my dad used to own this company, so I think I was
pretty much set to inherit it anyway,” says former criminal-turned Wall Street
CEO Adam Hakanzdanzian. “But you never know. If I didn’t get that two-year certificate
in Office Support from Miami-Dade Community College, I might never have gotten
the job!”
The general public has met such news with awe and approbation.
“Wow, I didn’t even wind up that successful, and I took my
SATs myself,” says Cornell alumnus Kent Gonzalez. “In fact, right now I’m actually buried up to my neck in student loans after getting a J.D. from
Harvard Law, and wouldn’t you believe it, I’m still unemployed! But I must
say, those guys sure are inspiring.”
Kent Gonzalez then laughed nervously and walked out of the
interview.
In other news, the Occupy Wall Street degenerates continue to
disgrace America by refusing to leave Zuccotti Park, protesting those who
played by the rules, demonstrated good character, and therefore wound up fabulously
wealthy.
