This past Wednesday, researchers at the Cornell Department
of Policy Analysis and Management were shocked to discover that marijuana would
totally be legal if stoners weren’t too lazy to actually take political action on the
issue.
“After conducting a thorough and comprehensive analysis on
cannabis facts, we were surprised to find that there is actually no reason
whatsoever why marijuana should remain illegal,” says Dr. Brian Olstein. “When
you look at how much safer marijuana is than legal drugs like alcohol and
tobacco, how state governments can essentially close their budget gaps by
taxing sales, how marijuana is actually easier to obtain than alcohol for people
under the age of 21 while it remains completely illegal, how medical marijuana
could provide relief to thousands of sick Americans, how many non-violent
prisoners jailed for mere possession could be freed from our overcrowded
prisons, and finally how legalization would completely bankrupt most drug
cartels, the fact that marijuana remains illegal is just absolutely
mind-blowing.”
Though stoners across America often complain about these
facts loudly to each other, none of them have taken action that would actually generate
political change, such as writing a Congressman or hiring pro-legalization
lobbyists to go to Washington.
“Are you kidding, man? I protest the system everyday!” says
stoner Kent Gonzalez. “Just look at this “Legalize It’ shirt I have on. I haven’t
taken it off in weeks! Spreading the message!”
Anti-marijuana advocates, on the other hand, have been actively taking action for decades to keep marijuana illegal.
“Marijuana is a terrible, terrible thing, and we are happy
that it remains illegal,” says George Banner, founder of the Above the
Influence movement. “That is why for the past thirty years, I’ve been working 14
hours a day, seven days a week raising funds and shooting anti-drug commercials
for TV to keep marijuana illegal. It pretty much has taken up my whole life,
but I know that I’m helping the world, so I’m happy! Woohoo!”
“¦
“Damn, that guy really needs to smoke a jay,” replied stoner
Kent Gonzalez.
