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Why You Do Not Want Gandalf As Your Organic Chemistry Professor
Student Bombs Orgo Final: Thirteen Dead and Four Left Wounded.
Investigation pending. MORE »
Cornell Football Sucks
Last year I went to one Cornell home football game. It was homecoming so I don’t remember much, but what I do remember was that the cheerleaders were far more entertaining. I left the game after what I would say was probably five or ten minutes right about the time when the opposing team, Fordham... MORE »
Cornell’s World Renown Human Bonding Lab Reveals That “Sex Feels Good”
This weekend Cornell’s own Dr. Stephen Knight attended a local human bonding and biology conference where the esteemed professor touted his laboratory’s most recent discovery: “Sex Feels Good”. The world renown scientist and nobel laureate studied human physiology in conjunction with psychological profiles to gauge whether sex provided young men and... MORE »
A Cornell Frat Bro’s Saturday
On a typical saturday, I wake up around 10 or 11 and start my day off right with a couple of eggs and maybe some bacon – yeah, I splurge on cholesterol on saturdays. Then I go upstairs and tell whatever facially deformed wench who happens to be drooling on my pillows to please exit... MORE »
Cornell Scientist Researches Positive Effects of Wine Tours
Wine Tours embarked upon by members of Cornell students can not only be enjoyable experiences, but they can also be healthy for the physical soul as recently evidenced by Cornell scientist, Gordon Bombay. The study by Bombay concluded that the effect of the grapes that were turned into the wine would produce effects that were... MORE »
School of Hotel Administration Demands to Be Taken Seriously
In a recent press release, Michael Johnson, Dean of the Cornell School of Hotel Administration issued the following statement: “We are a real school. We are a college within an Ivy League Institution, and we demand to be taken seriously.” The release comes only days after an incident in which an anonymous student hacked... MORE »
Dobby the House Elf Will Hold Town-Hall Forum at Lynah Rink
Dobby the House Elf, the magical creature from the Harry Potter franchise whose cuteness and silly way of talking has drawn the adoration of college student nationwide, will speak at Cornell’s Lynah Rink on April 19, according to Cornell House-Elf Liberation Front Chair Seamus Shacklebolt, ’13. Dobby is planning to attend rallies on 30 college... MORE »
Gannett Receives First Bath Salts Patient
Ever since Rudy Eugene, a.k.a. the Miami “Zombie”, made international headlines, the use of bath salts has risen. People are trying to get so high that they eat homeless people’s faces off. Sophomore-to-be Stephen Willis decided to give them a try, and made a terrible mistake. The terrible mistake Willis made had nothing to do... MORE »
Cornell University: Math 1910
Exam #2 MORE »
Guess What! More White People Rapping!
I’m shocked at the amount of effort Cornell politicians have been putting into their campaigns lately, especially since no one know what the fuck Student Assembly does in the first place. Now that Natalie Raps has long been victorious, here comes Alex Bores – another white dude in a suit and tie – running for... MORE »
My Winter Break Movie Guidelines
If you’re like me then your winter break has been jam packed with movies, and if you’re Jewish like me then these aren’t movies that you’ve paid for. I put more effort into researching a movie I might have to pay to see in theatres than I’ve put into my thesis. First, I check RottenTomatoes.com... MORE »
What I Think About During My Nutrition Lectures
….so the quality of my work has taken a hit, but my A.D.D is alive and well! MORE »
Smart vs Attractive
you will never win MORE »
Let’s Hear It For The Sluts!
It’s the Christmas of college: Halloween weekend. Halloween was once known to all of us, in a much more innocent time, as the night where we dressed up as our favorite superhero and ate as much candy as our tiny tummy’s could hold before we puked. But now that we’re much older and wiser Halloween... MORE »
Snow.. in October?!?!
Proclamations of shock, distrust, and a hint of sexual frustration were heard across the Cornell campus as, on October 27, snow began to fall. Barry Valentine ’15 exclaimed, “I can’t believe it’s snowing in Miami at the end of October! What? We’re not in Miami?…. We’re in upstate New York?… oh then this is perfectly... MORE »
Cornell Nutrition Professor Finds the Cure for Obesity
Professor Robert Johnson, a nationally acclaimed nutrition expert, has devoted his entire career to solving the obesity epidemic. “I have spent years traveling all over the country and the world trying to figure out why people in America are so goddamn fat.” After cross checking all of his references and eliminating all confounding variables, Johnson thinks he’s... MORE »
Freshmen Finally Learn That Fall Break is a Myth
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Loch Ness monster, a good Nicholas Cage movie, Fall break. What do all of these things have in common? They’re not real. Come on, you didn’t really think you were going to get an entire 4 days off in the middle of the Fall semester did you? “But Yom... MORE »
Math Library Needs to Recalculate its Priorities
it’s cool if I leave my iPod and laptop alone here right? MORE »
Party at President Skorton’s House!
Since the policy for fraternity parties has changed this semester, many freshmen have been left wondering €œwhere am I gonna get my keystone buzz on and rub up against total strangers?€ Freshmen year without being crowded into the hot sweaty basement of a fraternity house and waking up in a “sober monitor” shirt (that you... MORE »
Library 101
Roommates pet turtle making it hard for you to study in your dorm? Maybe this can help you pick your ideal study spot. Although who are we kidding.. it probably won’t. MORE »
Ithaca is Gorges No More
Due to the recent uproar on the part of both students and faculty President Skorton has finally decided to take down the fences. In place of the infamous fences Skorton has made the executive decision to fill in the gorges. Requests are now being taken to decide what the gorges should be filled with. Might... MORE »
D-List Frat Plans a Mixer With A-List Sorority
No one shows up. MORE »
It’s Finally Here!
For those of you who were captivated by The Pyrimidines and had to go back for more with the Pyrimidines Supplement I and still felt uneasy…well… wait no more. It’s finally here.. the Pyrimidines Supplement II!!!!! It will answer all the questions that The Pyrimidines and the Pyrimidines Supplement I didn’t answer like: Who writes... MORE »
You Know You Go to Cornell When…
You see this picture and think “I’d like to have sex there”. #1 on the list of 161 things to do before you graduate Cornell is sex in the stacks, and as a student I can’t say I’m anymore immune to this than the rest of you.. show me a dark creepy hallway that looks... MORE »
Cornell’s New Approach to Security
Feeling unsafe during your late night walk home from the bars? Follow the lead of this collegetown house! Because seriously, what robber is going to risk being shot with a cannon? There’s no surviving that. MORE »
Cornell’s Dino Discrimination
Can you imagine the carbon footprint on a Hummer big enough to fit a t-rex? Dinosaurs riding bikes are the best way to keep our campus green. MORE »