Wine Tours embarked upon by members of Cornell students can
not only be enjoyable experiences, but they can also be healthy for the
physical soul as recently evidenced by Cornell scientist, Gordon Bombay.

The study by Bombay concluded that the effect of the grapes
that were turned into the wine would produce effects that were not only healthy
to the body but also to the eternal soul. Bombay added that, “While I am not
sure what is more likely to make me throw up, the multiple bottles of wine that
I chugged in a short period of time or the amount of pastel colored shirts worn
by kids who wished they had gotten into Harvard, I still had a sweet time
tearin it up on a school bus.”

The owners of the vineyards preferred not to have a question
and answer session but they did advise us to, “Get out before we call the cops
on you drunk rich-daddy losers.”

While the vineyard owners in the regions surrounding the
Cornell area may be looking to crack down on the number of Cornell students, I
would just like to say forget that because I would not want to imagine a
Cornell world without wine tours kicking us out early. Here’s to avoiding the
library on a Sunday even though you are already (at least) a week behind on
your work for the semester.

Authors Note: Due to several comments relating to the poor grammar used above, I feel obliged to inform readers that this article was meant to fully exhibit the effects of wine tours; and by that I mean I wrote this article immediately after returning from a wine tour and continued to drink wine while I wrote this article. I will not, however, change the article in any way, because I feel that would both compromise the integrity of the article and disappoint Gordon Bombay. Ducks fly together.

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