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Cornell University “Because You Can Sleep When You’re Dead.”
New Women’s Dorm Named After Psychology Professor
Cornell recently announced that a new women’s dorm, similar to Balch Hall, will be built in 2013 to accommodate the increasing amount of women attending the university. Half of the intramural fields are being zoned off for construction and they plan to break ground in June of 2013. The university would not release the name... MORE »
Giants v. Patriots: Keys to the Game
Giants -I hear Peyton Manning’s recovered. Get him to play quarterback. Eli’s jersey doesn’t specify which Manning needs to play. -Remind Ahmad Bradshaw that even though he plays for the Giants, the other team will be the same size. -Try the Fumblerooski. This will pay out tremendously. For me. I made a certain, little bet... MORE »
Student Found Living in Bailey Hall
Summer has started and many students who are staying in Ithaca have been moving into new apartments to get settled in early. That is not the case for freshman Brian Michael Timinsky, who was found by maintenance living in Bailey Hall on Tuesday. Apparently, Timinsky had set up a living quarters in the basement of... MORE »
Cornell Beats Bucknell In Stunning Homecoming Victory””Cornellians Too Busy Studying To Attend
Yesterday, on an ordinary crisp autumn day, twelve Cornellian’s witnessed a miracle. That miracle being Cornell’s first football win in over seventy two consecutive years. In their premier homecoming game, Cornell’s team reigned victorious over Bucknell in a 24-13 win. Coach Kent Austin was both ” ecstatic” and “humbled” by the astonishing win. Unfortunately, with about 97 percent of... MORE »
Weezy is Freed; White Girls Everywhere Rejoice
White sorority girls across campus are celebrating Dwayne Carter Jr, AKA Lil Wayne’s release from Riker’s Island jail this morning. At around 9 am on November 4th, Weezy was freed after serving eight months of a one year gun sentence (not sure what happened to those other four months), during which he mysteriously released an... MORE »
Gorge Jumping!
Here are some clips of people taking the plunge at the famous Cornell gorges. MORE »
Illegal Recruitment: Lasker Foundation Rescinds Heimlich’s Award
First Reggie Bush, now Dr. Henry Heimlich. For those unaware, Reggie Bush’s 2005 Heisman Trophy was recently forfeited due to allegations of illegal recruitment by the University of Southern California. Now, more committees are investigating awards endowed upon other individuals. Most recently, the Lasker Foundation has looked into Cornell University’s recruitment of... MORE »
Pandora’s Akon Radio Station to Headline Slope Day 2013
ITHACA, NY: Shortly after announcing on Friday that Taio Cruz and the Neon Trees will be performing on Slope Day this year, selections director of the Slope Day Programming Board Sam Breslin ‘12 released information on what to expect for next year’s event as well. Though it is typical for Slope Day acts to be... MORE »
Cornell to Buy Joe Paterno Statue for $10 Million
With all the drama that just occurred, Penn State was fined $60 million dollars by the NCAA, with all proceeds going to charities benefitting abused children. To pay for this fine without affecting tuition costs for current students, Penn State held a silent auction for the legendary Joe Paterno statue on Monday. The winning bid... MORE »
Cornell Dining to Stop Using Oil in All Foods
You know that feeling after you eat a Cornell Dining meal when you have to run to the bathroom 5 minutes after? Well, that won’t be happening anymore. Today, Cornell University president David Skorton announced that all dining halls and on-campus eateries will stop lathering enormous amounts of oil on all foods. The move comes... MORE »
Big Sent On Academic Leave For Not Loving Little Enough
Sophomore Emma Kirshin was sent home this week by Gannett health services after failing to display “an adequate level of cultish love and fervor” for her little. New sorority pledge and little Abby Tanger was upset when she entered her room to find only cookies, balloons, and candies. Standard protocol dictates that bigs must shower... MORE »
Skorton Credits First Born’s Blood Sacrifice for Warm Weather
ITHACA, NY-When Cornell University President David Skorton announced last month that he was going to sacrifice his first born child in an effort to snatch the NYC tech bid, Cornellian’s were quite skeptical. It seems as though Skorton has proved countless students wrong in not only earning the tech bid, but also in ensuring pleasurable weather for... MORE »
#RushWeek2012
Disclaimer: The frat you join in no way reflects your sexual orientation. Unless you’re a GDI in which case you are most definitely “a gay.” MORE »
Bottom 5 Worst Places To Vacation (Cornell)
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! 1. Jerry Sandusky’s Most Frequented Playground Hitting up the playground with your 4th grade bros during school vacation is the best. But nothing sucks more than... MORE »
Our New Year’s Resolutions 2012 (Cornell)
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite!Having reflected upon the past year we here at Cornell Campus Basement have realized we’ve done some really bad things. Like, we’ve made really some awful decisions. ... MORE »
Cornell Economists Determine Jesus Christ’s Patronage of Tim Tebow to be “Inefficient†and “Not conducive to solving legitimate world problems.”
Ithaca NY””Economists working in Cornell’s Policy Analysis Lab have recently discovered several flaws in Jesus Christ’s social policies. The economists, studying everything from theological infrastructures to econometrics, published a journal article last Monday noting discrepancies between Jesus Christ’s “plans for all creatures on earth” and football. The team learned that Jesus invested too much of... MORE »
This Is What I Made Instead Of Studying
Finals Week! MORE »
Student Bombs Orgo Final: Thirteen Dead and Four Left Wounded.
Investigation pending. MORE »
Ithaca Is Broken
Somebody forgot to turn the cold back on. MORE »
Hitler Tries To Enroll In Classes. Hilarity Ensues.
*Author Unknown MORE »
Mother Nature To Cornellians: Fuck You. All Of You.
SNOW IN OCTOBER?! MORE »
Freshman Finally Finds Opportunity To Use Condom Stored In His Wallet Since Seventh Grade
While September 21 was an ordinary day for most of us, twenty three seconds made that day extraordinary for one Cornell University freshman. September 21 marks the day young Joseph Bemlin lost his Virginity. The young collegiate recalls spending the night consuming alcoholic drinks with his friends at a fraternity event. While Joe had said... MORE »
Cornell Beats Bucknell In Stunning Homecoming Victory””Cornellians Too Busy Studying To Attend
Yesterday, on an ordinary crisp autumn day, twelve Cornellian’s witnessed a miracle. That miracle being Cornell’s first football win in over seventy two consecutive years. In their premier homecoming game, Cornell’s team reigned victorious over Bucknell in a 24-13 win. Coach Kent Austin was both ” ecstatic” and “humbled” by the astonishing win. Unfortunately, with about 97 percent of... MORE »
Skorton Declares War On Friendship””Ends Pledging
In an effort to set a national precedent, Cornell University President David Skorton has vowed to put an end to fraternity pledging. In his Op Ed article published by the NY Times, Skorton outlined his plan to end hazing and replace the pledging period with a more positive initiation term. Cornell has been the site of... MORE »
Cornell’s World Renown Human Bonding Lab Reveals That “Sex Feels Good”
This weekend Cornell’s own Dr. Stephen Knight attended a local human bonding and biology conference where the esteemed professor touted his laboratory’s most recent discovery: “Sex Feels Good”. The world renown scientist and nobel laureate studied human physiology in conjunction with psychological profiles to gauge whether sex provided young men and... MORE »
Cornell Administrators Forget Annual Child Sacrifice: Mother Nature Not Pleased
Cornellians were quite upset this morning when they woke up to clouds showering snow. Many students who thought winter ended in march were displeased by the inclement weather on the Hill. In an attempt to dissuade prospective students from worrying about the weather, Day Hall in conjunction with the Department of... MORE »
Acclaimed Cornell Quantum Physicist Admits “We make shit up 75 percent of the time”
This past weekend Cornell University hosted the Annual Eastern Seaboard Quantum Physics Consortium. The event, attended by hundreds of physicists studying Quantum Mechanics and Astro-Physics, was the stage of a shocking revelation. In his opening remarks, Professor Steve Holtz declared to a crowd of 700 that most of Quantum Mechanics is “make believe”. Holtz, who graduated... MORE »