presents a pre-game report of tonights Cornell V. Syracuse basketball game.

Cornell’s big red basketball team heads to the carrier dome to take on No 8 ranked Syracuse.

Cornell is 2-4. Syracuse is 6-0. Syracuse is in one of the most
competitive divisions in NCAAB, The Big East while Cornell is in the
Ivy League which is hardly considered Division 1.

Last year the Big Red went to the Sweet Sixteen. They lost 3 of their 5 starters.

Syracuse may have lost a few stars including Andy Rautins, but they are all around a better team. Cornell doesn’t have a chance.

So, now that I have prefaced you with all you need to know about the
teams, it doesn’t matter what Cornell’s stats are or what Cuses’ stats
are, I can predict that the Orange will dominate the Red by at least 20
points…in the first 5 minutes.

Cornell’s head coach, Bill Courtney, told the Cornell Daily Sun that the Big Red just
“need to be better.” Exaaaaaaactly. They just need to be a completely
different team to beat Syracuse.

Cornell needs to be better. Obviously! They’re not going win at the
level of talent they’re at now. Its not that they’re a young team
really, they’re a bad team. Syracuse is a good team. Not much else to
say. There’s no real strategy for this game, but for Cornell to be

As previously stated, Cornell’s only tactic to beat Syracuse is to
change themselves. “They’re gonna pull a Space Jam on their asses” said
a devoted Cornellian. Too bad that’s not real life. It’d be so awesome
though. Way bad ass.

Cornell plans on going into this game to give them experience against a
real basketball team. This way maybe they can beat other Ivy League

Courtney in what he thought was an off the record interview said, Every
player on this teams needs to grow a minimum of 5 inches and gain at
least 20 pounds of muscle to be a contender. We’re just going out there
to have a good time.

WOOOO. Good times.

All Cornell can do is bank on their “safety school” chant. Yay for
being intellectually superior! If only that won basketball games.

Their last loss came against Boston University. Courtney said, “We didn’t shoot the ball that well and we missed a lot of open shots.
If we play a little better, we will be in much better shape.” Yeah, just make the shots and play defense, then maybe they can win against Syracuse.

So this won’t be a nail-biter I can tell you that one, but it will be a
form of entertainment similar to that of The Jersey Shore. It will be a
train wreck that you can’t take your eyes off and everyone’s faces will
be covered in Orange!