Over the past few months, Cornell
University has experienced an extraordinary amount of forcible touchings. Now
these occur at every school and on every college campus in America, but there
is no place like Stewart Avenue. The dark streets and dim lights are great signs for forcible touchers everywhere. It feels like every single morning we wake up,
there is an email about forcible touching”¦on Stewart Avenue. To address this
issue, President Skorton has now created a strict dress code that will be fully
enforced throughout the second semester between 8pm and 6am only on Stewart Avenue.

The following items of will not be permitted:

– Beanies
of any sort

– Ski

– Dark
or camouflage clothing

– A
flat-top haircut

– Mustaches

– Santa

– Ithaca
College Gear

Cornell is slowly becoming a safer place. I can’t wait to
freeze my ass off in the cold and be the most conspicuous guy on the street in
my highlighter yellow shirt and white pants (lucky you, fratstars). Also, if you go
to IC, you’re definitely up to no good if you are sketching on Stewart
Avenue. Be aware of these rules when you’re on Stewart Avenue, because if you
aren’t, you will be punished severely by the university.

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