Based on a recent UCLA study, experts who clearly have far too much time on their hands reported that emotional stability in college freshmen has hit Rock Bottom*. These so-called experts tried to ascertain various reasons why the 18-19 year old demographic at colleges nationwide might be suffering more than prior years. But we at Campus Basement won’t settle for UCLA’s report – so we conducted our own very thorough and scientific investigation.
“I definitely don’t know how to deal with all this work,” says Joey Corona of the University of Tampa.  “I mean, I intentionally only put classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays but all my friends go out every single night. Do you know how much more difficult that makes my two days of classes?”
“It’s this weather compounded with no hope for snow days,” says SUNY Oswego freshman Renee Hernandez.
“Uh, have you seen who controls the House of Representatives? How can I not be stressed?” Asked UC Berkley freshman John Stripen.
James Daniels, freshman at Tulane, created a rap song about his stresses, singing “Surrounded by hot ladies, want to ignore my studies, all I want to do is go out and be young, have fun, sing this, son, but told, told again to just learn, burn, earn enough to -“
(Campus Basement reporters weren’t sure of when Daniels would end his rap, so they turned off their recorders at this point.)
Ultimately, our consensus is that college is still fun and freshmen need to go out and make the most of it. Party hard, freshmen.
*-(Capitalized to refer to the actual place, Rock Bottom, as featured in an episode of Spongebob Squarepants)