Finding a companion is hard these
days. If you’re like me, you probably feel like you’ve tried everything. Holding
the door for her, walking her home, watching her undress from outside her
bedroom window. You know, romance. But sometimes chivalry isn’t enough,
gents. Nowadays, women care about
ridiculous qualities like, “Will my parents like him?” or “Is he a registered sex
offender?” However, there’s one
particular demographic out there that won’t care about these things. These groups of people are some of the
loosest, sluttiest, dirtiest, sex-crazed attention whores I’ve ever met in my
life. Who am I talking about? The elderly. That’s right, the elderly.

–Beyonce has Jay-Z.

–Casey Anthony has a puppy.

(At least, we think she does. If it’s gone missing we won’t know for 31 days or so).

–Hofstra has old people.

If you’re tired of trying to woo
someone your own age, then look no further. Fortunately, Hofstra’s relationship with its alumni is
intimate, like a good marriage or an episode of Jersey Shore. Just whistle the theme song from I Love Lucy or strike up a discussion
about an episode of Murder, She Wrote in
the student center, and you’ll be minutes away from a mouthful of dentures. It’s
that simple.

Now, I already know people are
going to be disgusted by this. But truthfully, I don’t see why. Is it
disgusting that their spines are delightfully curved to perfection? Is it
disgusting that extra skin hanging from their neck jiggles as they chew? Is it
disgusting that I’m already aroused? Maybe for some folks it is, but this is Hofstra. Disgusting is mandatory.

If you’re intimidated by the
prospect of approaching an elderly member of our Hofstra community, I’ve made a
brief list of lighthearted topics to kick-start a conversation with:

  • Arthritis
  • Constipation/explosive diarrhea*
  • Jackie Gleason*
  • The Vietnam War*
  • Parkinson’s disease
  • The milk man
  • WWII*
  • Bloody urine
  • WWI*
  • JFK
  • MLK
  • Impotence
  • Impending death
  • That time when everything cost 5 cents

(The * indicates that the topic may not be suitable for discussing over a meal)

It’s a piece of lactose-free
cake. Sealing the deal is even
easier! Sex with the elderly will shatter your world, and most likely theirs
(Hip replacements aren’t what they used to be). Since their spines are curved,
they’re already half bent over! Talk about an open invitation. Worried about
pregnancy scares? Fear not. These ladies’ baby-ovens are like Alcatraz: they
were shut down in 1963.

By now, I hope you have all come to
see the endless benefits of seducing the elderly. If this article isn’t something that interests you then you
can always just look the other way and pretend you never saw it (It worked for
Joe Paterno). If you make your
move soon, you can have a valentine in time for February 14th who’s
as old as the holiday itself.
Relax. Be yourself with a hint of Sean Connery. Keep these wise words in
mind: “Once you go dead, there’s no one better in bed.”