It’s Tuesday night at Ramapo College. Party time. At least for those
of us who dare to venture out from our caves in an attempt to be
social. It’s 8 P.M. Prime time to pre-game, aka drink yourself into
such a stupor you barely make it out of your room, only to venture
into another room to continue drinking, which is usually proceeded by
projectile vomiting, or the inhalation of the devil’s lettuce.
After the pre-game, you stumble your way into the village, into your
friends room in the third quad, which feels like an eternity while
walking from one of the other dorms.
You enter the “party”. The party consists of the three girls
everyone has hooked up with, and the same twenty people who are at
the party every single Tuesday. You proceed breeze your way through
this out of control Ramapo party, until you make your way to the
fridge. You open it. A burst of ice cold air hits your face
generated by the state of the art refrigerators found within the
dorms. And there, staring you in the fucking face, is a beautiful
sight. A four loko can, flavored cranberry lemonade, the best kind.
Before
you can even wrap your fingers around this delicious, invigorating,
liver disintegrating beverage, you hear something loud within the
background of the party, almost like a humming sound. The sound
continues to grow louder, and louder. The entire room begins to
shake, ever so slightly. At this point the humming sound has
transpired into the unmistakable sound, of helicopter blades. By the
time you have deduced what the sound actually is, it’s too late.
Seconds later the glass within the common room shatters, and public
safety officers rappel into the room. Tables with beer cans and cups
are flipped, everyone is shouting, students are being pepper sprayed,
thrown to the ground, and restrained in handcuffs. One of your
friends tries to run out the front door, only to be bludgeoned in the
face with a shotgun by Mahwah Police Officers standing guard outside
of the apartment.
Of course, Ramapo College’s Public Safety unit, wasn’t always this
ruthless, and efficient with their upholding of the school’s alcohol
policy. The catalyst, and most recent factor which has contributed
to Public Safety’s improvement in their job, has been their newly
designed uniforms.
Well, sort of new.
The new uniforms which the Public Safety officers have been wearing
look strikingly similar to those worn by the Schutzstaffel, of the
infamous Nazi Party. For those of you who failed 8th
grade history (90% of Ramapo’s population), the Schutzstaffel, or the
SS, was a major branch of the Nazi military, who was responsible for
many of the crimes against humanity during the second World War.
Despite the fact that the SS were some of the worst human beings to
ever walk the planet, I cannot deny their eye for style. The
uniforms for the SS, uhm, excuse me, Public Safety officers
ransacking the campus of Ramapo, were designed by Hugo Boss himself.
Hugo
Boss joined the Nazi party, and became a sponsor for the Public
Schutzstaffel during 1931. His dead carcass was unavailable during
the time this article was written, however in the past he had stated
that he joined the Nazi party to help employ those who needed jobs
within Germany, and because he felt withdrawn from the Lutheran
Church. He supplied the Schutzstaffel with uniforms, along with
other branches of the Nazi military, and made an absolute killing.
President Dweebenfeld was available for comment
concerning the recent change in uniforms for his public safety
stormtroopers. ” I believe that the recent change in uniforms
depicts in a tangible form, how ridiculously over the top Ramapo
College’s public safety officers take their job, and the degree to
which I have lost all sense of rationality in regard to how an actual
college should be run, and more specifically, policed.” said
President Dweebenfeld in a stoic tone. ” If a student enrolls here,
and expects to experience a well rounded college experience, which
should feature a healthy balance of a social, academic, and working
life, then that student is severely mistaken!” exclaimed
Dweebenfeld. “These new uniforms encourage our officers to go to
extremes to limit our students’ social lives as much as possible. I
don’t care about networking, or learning how to form a relationship,
or present yourself within a social setting. I had no friends in
school! Why should anyone?” said Dweebenfeld with a quivering upper
lip. Dweebenfeld also claimed he would consider himself a modern
day, still breathing, no maggots eating away at his corpse, version
of Hugo Boss, due to the metro sexual suits that he wears, and the
flamboyant manner in which he presents himself.
Several
Public Safety officers at Ramapo College were also available for
comment on their stylish new uniforms. Carl Winslow, aka the Public
Safety Officer that looks like Carl Winslow from Family
Matters
stated ” It just get’s mefuckin’
amped.
Runnin’ around in a SS uniform, potentially ruining young people’s
lives by banning them from campus because they had a social gathering
of more then seven people in their rooms, it just get’s me all worked
up.”
The
public safety officer who resembles Mike O’Malley fromYes
Dear,
and the Time Warner Cable commercials was also questioned about the
new uniforms. He stated : “Hard. That’s what I think of these
uniforms, and what I get when I put it on. Hard. As a Rock.”
Students were also buzzing about the new uniforms which
their campus hall-monitors were sporting. One student claimed ”
Offensive. I’m 100% Jewish, and this is just absolutely
disrespectful. If you want to look at it from another perspective
aside from the ethical one, as an aspiring accountant, I view this as
a waste of money. I calculated all of the numbers while using
several accounting formulas my dad, who is an accountant, referenced
me too, and discovered that thousands of dollars are being wasted on
these retro Nazi uniforms.”
Another student was asked how he felt about the old
Public Safety Uniforms. ” Well, honestly, I kind of think that the
new uniforms are hilarious, in a sick, abuse of power, sort of way.
Plus the old uniforms kind of looked like the result of some woman
who ate a handful of multi-vitamins, and took a neon yellow piss all
over a maxi pad.”
Any similarities to characters is merely
coincidental
