Ithaca NY””Economists working in Cornell’s Policy Analysis Lab have
recently discovered several flaws in Jesus Christ’s social policies. The
economists, studying everything from theological infrastructures to
econometrics, published a journal article last Monday noting discrepancies
between Jesus Christ’s “plans for all creatures on earth” and football.
team learned that Jesus invested too much of his time “rooting and miracle making” for Tim Tebow as opposed to focusing on “real world problems like war, famine,
Senior researcher Dr. Jeff Thomas pointed out that “Jesus simply
cares more about Tim Tebow than he does about starving children in Mexico or ending cancer”. The
researcher pointed out that Tebow’s success is the result of an “egregious
misuse of Jesus’ powers” and that the our Lord and Savior “has been a real dick lately”.
Although the research team noted that Tebow had lost
games in the past, Dr. Thomas concluded that “He (Jesus) is simply trying to throw
us off his path” because if his “dad found out, he would be in big trouble”.
While the team found that Jesus
could not be reached for comment, they were in fact able to speak with his father.
Jesus’ father, Yaweh, who appeared annoyed with his son, told the team that
Jesus “hasn’t had a man crush like this since Noah”.
Yaweh, known as God to most
humans, added that “Noah was a hell of a ball-in-the-cup player” and that “Jesus
may have gotten a little carried away with his feelings for Noah the last time around”.
He ensured the team and mankind that “the whole flood thing won’t happen again.” He went on to add “my bad for not paying attention last time”.