Hello friends!
From this semester until now has been some crazy times. We drank”¦A LOT”¦of chocolate
milk and stuff. You know what I am really talking about so through the power of
the internet let us wink at each other simultaneously. Ready? Awesome! That was
beautiful, but before I get ahead of myself on how great it is that this
semester is finally over and how much I can’t wait to be with my family on
Christmas or Hanukkah (apologies if you do not qualify for either), there is
one last piece of business to take care of with Hofstra. That would be the
books. All those expensive books you bought the first week of classes?

professors stressed how important they would be for the semester. So you rushed
off and spent almost $200 on a textbook for psyche titled I Killed Ghost
Buddha; Your Welcome
by Mike Crotch just to discover it stained with”¦chocolate
milk and stuff the night before your final. You had been using it as a coaster
the whole semester. Nice! And despite your grades, because frankly, I don’t care
about your student loans and your abusive domestic life at home which is why
you came to school in the first place, you have unfinished business. Get those
books to the bookstore, sell them back for what you paid, and blow it all on
liquid courage and maybe a pile of fifty hot wings you can throw up later on
some sorority girl’s brand new Uggs (it’s ok, Daddy will buy her a new pair
anyway). The textbooks are carried in all the worst ways. From the basic
carrying them in your arms there is also:

The eco-friendly shopping bag seen being dragged
on the floor carrying texts that date back to Ancient Sumeria.

Wheeley backpacks which somehow did not go out
of style for the Star Wars fans that still carry their Yoda keychain everywhere
they go (sorry Law students, not excused).

The baby stroller that always leads to the same
question of “Why?” only to be answered by some would-be online funny news
journalist as, “Why not?”

Despite the
choice of transporting your books from Dorm A to Bookstore B, it is time to
acknowledge how painful it is to present a $30-$300 book and hear one of the

“We are accepting this book back for $1.”

“I’m sorry, but we are not buying this book.”

“Please excuse me while I fart all over your
dreams of post-semester partying funded by your overly priced coasters.”

Maybe I made that
last one up, maybe I did not. You too have dealt with these people. You tell
me. I cannot stand it anymore. It does not help there’s always that one
bag-a-la-douche a.k.a. The Rich Boy who turns in a book for a class he was not
even registered for, and gets a $110 return. Really, Hofstra? The Nautical
Adventures of Pi on the Algorithm Canal
by Mr. Rogers? $110?

there are those of us students who barely have enough money on our meal points
to make it to the end of the week, waiting for our Uncle Balthasar, to pick us
up to take us to Canada of all places for Christmas. Therefore, we are left to
condense our three meals, breakfast, lunch, and dinner into one meal a.k.a. The
Berliner. Hofstra Fun Fact #362, Berliner, is the meal for all students forced
to be frugal and starve under the Cram-nation of finals week and all it leads
up to named for our Provost, whom for the dignity of this reporter, shall not
be named in this article. We should skip this bureaucratic red tape, and just let
those students who want to do so exchange their books for”¦you know”¦chocolate milk
and stuff.

Maybe then
students like Davide Espinoza of Little Israel, Florida would not have to sulk
during their last weekend at Hofstra before Christmas writing a fifteen page
paper and dining on rice, hot dog rolls, and tears. When asked about his
Berliner, Davide responded, “Todo lo que queria era una taza de agua…” and
blah-blah-blah, muoy apologiso my amigo, but Papi don’t speak Spanish. In the
mean time, I wish congratulations to everyone who survived finals, and best of
luck getting back some getting some toll money out of the middle finger you got
for trying to sell back your books.