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1. Jerry Sandusky’s Most Frequented Playground
Hitting up the playground with your 4th grade bros during school vacation is the best. But nothing sucks more than when Sandusky decides to show up.
Like deep in your heart you know something’s wrong with the guy but he’s done so much for you so you let him chill. There’s nothing more disconcerting than sitting on the see-saw and seeing Uncle Jerry smiling on the other side.
Before you know it you’re behind the gymnasium sitting in a puddle of santorum with a bad case of the gingrich. Any vacation that ends with you holding a ragdoll in a courtroom should probably be avoided.
2. Chernobyl, Ukraine
Do you know why I think Chernobyl is a shitty place to vacation? I’ll tell you why, I’ve been there. Yea, thats right, I’ve been there. You can actually take tours of this shit hole.
There I am, eight years old and ready to adventure the world. Rather than going to western Europe like normal people we have to go to Russia. Not only is Ukraine fucking cold and antiquated, its home to one of the world’s biggest nuclear disasters. But hey, since we’re here why not checkout said nuclear disaster?!
My eight-year-old self was enthralled by learning about the genetic mutations that will forever live on the people who witnessed the disaster and the countless Ukrainians who perished in the explosion.
Besides the fact that the guy who once ruled this place thought he invented weather and could turn anything gold with his penis, North Korea sucks. Not like a little. Like, North Korea sucks a whole lot.
It sucks when you get there and realize everybody looks the same. No, not because they’re Asian, you racist, rather because they are state mandated to adhere to the same fucking lifestyles.Traveling around a country where your tour guide looks like the guy who just served you food, who looked like Kim Jong Ill, who looked like a shorter version of Yao Ming, who looked like the male version of Lucy Liu is a pain in the ass.
Besides the utter confusion, you’re left wandering around a place where chanting the national anthem is the highest form of entertainment. There’s literally nothing to do there besides jerk off to Kim Jong ll; in fact the North Korean version of Angry Birds is a game in which two opponents throw dead birds at each other.This has been documented.
5.Hedeby Island, Sweden
For those of you who had the pleasure of sitting through 2 hours and 37 minutes and two anal rape scenes of
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo: you now know as well as I do to stay
the fuck away from Sweden.
My roommate last year was from Norway and I’m going to avoid her at all costs in case Norway is also Sweden.
After that scene taking place in Martin Vanger’s dungeon of a
basement I don’t think I can hear Orinoco Flow by Enya without clenching.