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Hitler Tries To Enroll In Classes. Hilarity Ensues.
*Author Unknown
Avicii to Appear at Pixel After Cornell Concert
On Saturday, September 22nd, Avicii will be performing at Barton Hall in honor of homecoming weekend. Cornellians are extremely excited for his performance that night, which was made evident when tickets to the event sold out in a record 35 minutes. Many were upset that they weren’t able to get tickets, but now, they will... MORE »
Cornellians on the Harvard Cheating Scandal: “Why can’t our school be that easy?”
Recent news reports that about half of the Harvard Class of 2012 is under investigation and at risk for losing their diplomas for illicit collaboration on a TAKE-HOME final exam (seriously) has left Cornell students scratching their heads. “The New York Times article says that ‘students were tripped up by a course whose tests were... MORE »
CU Student Looking for Missing Girlfriend
People go missing all the time, but it is a rarity at Cornell for someone to go missing. Unfortunately, some student cannot find his girlfriend in Uris Library. On Friday morning, dozens of signs appeared all over the library with a picture of a blonde girl and a phone. The phone number is a Georgia... MORE »
Cornell to Buy Joe Paterno Statue for $10 Million
With all the drama that just occurred, Penn State was fined $60 million dollars by the NCAA, with all proceeds going to charities benefitting abused children. To pay for this fine without affecting tuition costs for current students, Penn State held a silent auction for the legendary Joe Paterno statue on Monday. The winning bid... MORE »
Cornell’s 5 New Rules for 2012-2013
As things happen and time flies, Cornell adjusts its’ rules every year to make sure that students study in a happy, stress-free environment. This year is no different, as Cornell has placed five new rules in effect for the coming school year. Here is a breakdown of all five: – No sunglasses inside classrooms... MORE »
Tupac Hologram? No, But Cornell Gets Churchill
Earlier in 2012, Coachella debuted the Tupac hologram, which was the first of its’ kind. Tupac was seen rapping on stage, but it was all done through lights and computers. It’s a concept that many people want to make popular due to the possible educational benefits brought to the table. Cornell, nonetheless, has invested in... MORE »
Study Shows C.U. Has Most ‘Paper Gangsters’ in U.S.
Somewhere in between the wigs, hats, and jockstraps in the back of her closet, Lady Gaga once coined the term ‘paper gangster’. A paper gangster is defined by Urban Dictionary as a bulls*** fake wanna-be who tries to be ghetto, thinks he/she is from the streets, and is a punk-ass mother****** who should be listening... MORE »
Foote to Be Honored by Cornell
In 2010, Cornell basketball had an amazing season and went all the way to the Sweet 16. A large (extremely large) part of that run was then-senior, NBA D-League All-Star and current member of the New Jersey Nets summer league team, Jeff Foote. Foote was the big center that every team craves. He rebounded, blocked,... MORE »
Lock Your Doors: Mice on Loose as Lab Window is Broken
Over the years, Cornell University has done a lot of research on mice and how they are affected by certain factors. Thousands and thousands of mice are kept by many labs on campus, but in a special area where they will never escape. The word never is very strong, but not always accurate, as 2,500... MORE »
Big Sent On Academic Leave For Not Loving Little Enough
Sophomore Emma Kirshin was sent home this week by Gannett health services after failing to display “an adequate level of cultish love and fervor” for her little. New sorority pledge and little Abby Tanger was upset when she entered her room to find only cookies, balloons, and candies. Standard protocol dictates that bigs must shower... MORE »
Skorton Credits First Born’s Blood Sacrifice for Warm Weather
ITHACA, NY-When Cornell University President David Skorton announced last month that he was going to sacrifice his first born child in an effort to snatch the NYC tech bid, Cornellian’s were quite skeptical. It seems as though Skorton has proved countless students wrong in not only earning the tech bid, but also in ensuring pleasurable weather for... MORE »
#RushWeek2012
Disclaimer: The frat you join in no way reflects your sexual orientation. Unless you’re a GDI in which case you are most definitely “a gay.” MORE »
Bottom 5 Worst Places To Vacation (Cornell)
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! 1. Jerry Sandusky’s Most Frequented Playground Hitting up the playground with your 4th grade bros during school vacation is the best. But nothing sucks more than... MORE »
Our New Year’s Resolutions 2012 (Cornell)
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite!Having reflected upon the past year we here at Cornell Campus Basement have realized we’ve done some really bad things. Like, we’ve made really some awful decisions. ... MORE »
Cornell Economists Determine Jesus Christ’s Patronage of Tim Tebow to be “Inefficient†and “Not conducive to solving legitimate world problems.”
Ithaca NY””Economists working in Cornell’s Policy Analysis Lab have recently discovered several flaws in Jesus Christ’s social policies. The economists, studying everything from theological infrastructures to econometrics, published a journal article last Monday noting discrepancies between Jesus Christ’s “plans for all creatures on earth” and football. The team learned that Jesus invested too much of... MORE »
This Is What I Made Instead Of Studying
Finals Week! MORE »
Student Bombs Orgo Final: Thirteen Dead and Four Left Wounded.
Investigation pending. MORE »
Ithaca Is Broken
Somebody forgot to turn the cold back on. MORE »
Mother Nature To Cornellians: Fuck You. All Of You.
SNOW IN OCTOBER?! MORE »
Freshman Finally Finds Opportunity To Use Condom Stored In His Wallet Since Seventh Grade
While September 21 was an ordinary day for most of us, twenty three seconds made that day extraordinary for one Cornell University freshman. September 21 marks the day young Joseph Bemlin lost his Virginity. The young collegiate recalls spending the night consuming alcoholic drinks with his friends at a fraternity event. While Joe had said... MORE »
Cornell Beats Bucknell In Stunning Homecoming Victory””Cornellians Too Busy Studying To Attend
Yesterday, on an ordinary crisp autumn day, twelve Cornellian’s witnessed a miracle. That miracle being Cornell’s first football win in over seventy two consecutive years. In their premier homecoming game, Cornell’s team reigned victorious over Bucknell in a 24-13 win. Coach Kent Austin was both ” ecstatic” and “humbled” by the astonishing win. Unfortunately, with about 97 percent of... MORE »
Skorton Declares War On Friendship””Ends Pledging
In an effort to set a national precedent, Cornell University President David Skorton has vowed to put an end to fraternity pledging. In his Op Ed article published by the NY Times, Skorton outlined his plan to end hazing and replace the pledging period with a more positive initiation term. Cornell has been the site of... MORE »
Cornell’s World Renown Human Bonding Lab Reveals That “Sex Feels Good”
This weekend Cornell’s own Dr. Stephen Knight attended a local human bonding and biology conference where the esteemed professor touted his laboratory’s most recent discovery: “Sex Feels Good”. The world renown scientist and nobel laureate studied human physiology in conjunction with psychological profiles to gauge whether sex provided young men and... MORE »
Cornell Administrators Forget Annual Child Sacrifice: Mother Nature Not Pleased
Cornellians were quite upset this morning when they woke up to clouds showering snow. Many students who thought winter ended in march were displeased by the inclement weather on the Hill. In an attempt to dissuade prospective students from worrying about the weather, Day Hall in conjunction with the Department of... MORE »
Acclaimed Cornell Quantum Physicist Admits “We make shit up 75 percent of the time”
This past weekend Cornell University hosted the Annual Eastern Seaboard Quantum Physics Consortium. The event, attended by hundreds of physicists studying Quantum Mechanics and Astro-Physics, was the stage of a shocking revelation. In his opening remarks, Professor Steve Holtz declared to a crowd of 700 that most of Quantum Mechanics is “make believe”. Holtz, who graduated... MORE »
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